I have never thought of myself as a negative person, I have always seen the glass as half full rather than half empty. I couldn't even imagine being a negative type personality, maybe a little too much pollyanna at times, but never negative. I have always been grateful for the my blessings and my gifts in life and I have never doubted my belief in God. I have to confess, however, that during the past year or so, personal and public happenings have been enough to shake someone even as strong as myself.
My recent loss of a relationship was extremely difficult, but necessary for both of us. Having been married and divorced before, with much bitterness, I might add, I wanted this relationship to end calmly and it has so far. I have had my own health issues to deal with, but I will be fine. I just have to learn to care more about my physical and emotional well-being and I will. I have, in the past, focused too much on people that can, ultimately, care for themselves. My ex-husband, taking his own life last fall, affected me deeply as well. Even though our relationship ended over 10 years ago, there is always some attachment left. I didn't spend almost 10 years with that person without feeling sad about his death. I don't believe I could ever take my own life as he did. I have been through very painful times in my life, times when I didn't think I could go on, but you have to. God gave me this life and I would never dishonor him by destroying it. I really believe that everything that happens is a lesson, even painful ones, like the death of my daughter and other loved ones. I don't doubt for a moment that someday I will understand these lessons and I don't doubt either that we will be together again. That faith is unshakeable.
Life is in session, and sometimes I allow myself to feel sorry for myself and question if there has to be so much personal pain and suffering. I also let the world's issues affect me and I always will, I care for mankind and involve myself in any way I can. I worry about Iran and possible nuclear warfare because I have grandchildren that would be affected by this. It breaks my heart to watch the continuation of the devastation in Iraq and the hurricanes and earthquakes. Call me silly, but it is enough to make someone stand up and ask some rather pointed questions.
Is it wrong or unfair of me to ask God to lighten up the load, even just a little bit? Does fear replace faith at some point? Does the path get narrower as we get older? Please do not think that I have nothing to be thankful for, because I am so blessed. I have my health, I have children and grandchildren that are my ultimate blessings, I can support myself, I love my work, I have at least one true friend that is always there for me and I have my pets that adore me.
Sometimes, I just need to reflect when life gets too heavy, so I do, and I blog about it. Appreciate what you have, you could lose it in a heartbeat...........
Some of the time, I think that both my best friend and my worst enemy is that organ lying between my ears, commonly known as my brain. I think that it variates between a state of chaos, turmoil, and then, bliss and happiness. What confusion!
I had to question myself today whether or not I stayed too much inside myself, afraid of revealing my inner workings? What then brings people, any of us, outside of ourselves? Some people would say more cerebral activities that could include music, art, painting, poetry, writing, journaling, playing with your pets or walking and noticing nature around you, and appreciating it. Some people are more into the physical activities such as sex, exercising, gardening or doing something or saying words that are destined to benefit another, just for the sheer joy of seeing that person smile. The reward, ultimately, is within the other person, not within ourselves.
Memorial day is fast approaching and I am thinking of the soldiers fighting for our country, maybe they are against this war, but they are still soldiers and I so respect and honor them for their commitment. We may honor them in many different ways, by words, deeds, thoughts, or actions in some way or another. My heart bleeds and goes out to all of the families who have suffered casualties or losses as a result of this horrible, unnecessary war. A war causing hatred and division and unnecessary bitterness in our country and without any meaninful resolution. Mr. Bush stated the one thing he regretted about this war was saying "bring it on". How noble of him to finally admit one fault, tell that to the mothers and fathers of soldiers that will never come home, except in caskets we are not allowed to witness.
I am no longer going to apologize for hating this war, but still honoring the men and women who are fighting for our country.
As little children, we are truly innocents and we live authentically, seldom afraid or embarrased to seek out what we want or speak our minds. I so love the innocence of children, they are born that way. It is such a precious quality lost way too quickly. As we grow older, we tend to tuck the authenticity away, putting it aside while we chase our dreams, afraid that it might hinder us in our goal of success. But somehow, we never let the freedom completely go. We most likely conform to society while embracing secret passions when alone. We sometimes withhold certain opinions, even though it doesn't change the fact that we possess them. I believe that this is so important not to stray too far from that youthful brashness and self-interest for they are qualities that make you who you are.
Many people quickly forget this in their effort to please or to fit in. The authentic you is your 'true self' and by living authentically, you live your truth, making time for the things that you love and, in essence, projecting who you really are. The best way to live your truth is to leave the expectations of others behind and to live the way you feel most worthwhile.
As I grow older, I actually feel that it takes being selfish in a healthy way to do what you know is best for you, regardless of the opinions of others, and sometimes even the opinions of friends and family. Living your truth and living authentically means that you make choices without fear, trusting your soul's wisdom. If you value personal pursuits, don't feel forced into a certain job just to make enough money to keep up with the neighbors. Conversely, if you prize success in business, don't let other's perception of what is right for you hold you back either. Denying your unique truth, there are no promises, everything you do will reflect who you are.
If you are not sure of what your authentic or true self is, look inward and ask yourself what your purpose, values and needs are. Honor your strengths and don't let yourself be guided by what others expect of you.
Finally, but most important of all, discover what your passions are by trying new things and sticking with the things that stir your soul. Finding out who you really are and then making that choice to embrace your dreams and desires will take your life in the the direction that is both satisfying and meaningful.
I think that each and everyone of us wants to believe that our lifetime left a mark or an imprint on the world in some way, shape or form. I know I do. I want to know that I lived for a purpose, and moreover, I want to be remembered for who I am and what I did. We are all vain individuals in the long term, are we not? Vanity is a fundamental part of who we are.
Just look around you and you will see this reflected in how we want to be perceived: the way we dress, smell, eat, live, or the homes we inhabit. Vanity is never to be thought of as a negative thing, it can and should be gloriously positive!
How, and what do you want to be remembered? Would it be your writing, your food habits, your tastes, smells, lifestyle or your work?
For myself, I want to be remembered for the beautiful children of mine. They are a testimony to all that I ever believed was important in my life. I have never wanted million dollar ventures, fancy labels, expensive cars or homes. Although my long career as a nurse has been one I am proud of, it has never defined who I am. Just my children, my grandchildren, and my soon to be great-grandchildren (thank you Deanna and Bobby). I believe that they will represent everything about me that I believed was good, morally true and important. This is the impression and the immortality that I want to leave, and that which I am most proud of.....................
People important to you,
People unimportant to you cross your life,
Touch it with love or carelessness and move on.
There are people who leave you and
You breathe a sigh of relief and
Wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave you
And you breathe a sign of remorse, and
Wonder why they had to go away and
Leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents, friends leave friends,
Acquaintances move on,
People grow apart.
Friends love and move on,
You think of the many who have moved into
Your hazy memory.
You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's master plan,
He moves people in and out of each other's lives,
And each leaves his mark on the other.
You find you are made up of bits and pieces
Of all who ever touched your life,
You are more because of it,
And you would be less if they had not touched you.
Pray God, that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder.
Never question and Never regret.................
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and eyes opened,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn....
With every goodbye comes the dawn.
There once was love thrown into your room, But you never knew
A calendar of days just for you,
but you never knew, never knew
And the truth that you'll find
Will always be the truth you hide
So, how do you love? How do you love?
When your angels can't sing, and
your world is still lacking of me
There once were eyes that saw only you, but you never knew
A portrait of a flower in full bloom, but you never knew, never knew
And the words that you fear,
will always be the words that you hear
So how do you love? How do you love?
When your angels can't sing
and your world is still lacking of me
The space where you've been living
Has gifts you've never given
That's the face you always show
Ask me for words of wisdom
Tell me of your condition,
'Cause I don't know, I don't. I don't know
*Written and sang by Ed Roland (Collective Soul)
As many of you already are aware, I am a passionate advocate for raising awareness about mental illness. I have been a nurse for over 30 years and now work in Adolescent Psychiatric care at a local hospital. The entire month of May is mental illness month and the week of May 21 through 27th is Schizophrenia Awareness week. I am passionate about all forms of mental illness and feel that is grossly ignored by our current government, both state and federal. I wish there was something I alone could do to change this situation. This week, I will focus on schizophrenia because it is one of the most misunderstood of mental illnesses.
For some people, the mere mention of the word, schizophrenia, makes people step back, like from a hot flame, they want to turn their heads or avert their eyes. We are, as a country, still in the dark ages with regards to public awareness of mental illness. Schizophrenia Awareness week hopefully will help raise public consciousness about this particular mental disorder and eliminate stigma regarding it and related disorders. Many afflicted with schizophrenia and related mental illnesses, including bi-polar disorders (which my late daughter, Leslie suffered from), major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, remain confined by societal misperceive, fear and ignorance.
Schizophrenia, like many serious mental illnesses, is a bio-chemical and physical abnormality in the brain, currently affecting more than 2.5 million Americans, or 1 percent of the world's population. Schizophrenia is not multiple or split personalities, does not mean that a person is necessarily violent, nor is it caused by poor parenting. Referring to those who suffer from mental illness, or anyone for that matter as crazy, nuts, looney, is cruel and inhumane. These labels stigmatize patients and their families who suffer from this illness. I think for one to understand what schizophrenia truly is, watch the film "A Beautiful Mind" for a very accurate portrayal. When I watched that movie, I was amazed to see on film what the schizophrenic patient lives with daily.
We care for people with physical ailments because the symptoms are something that we can 'see' and therefore, it is acceptable. Mental illness cannot be 'seen' , but that doesn't make it any less important. We need to be as compassionate and caring with mental illness as we are with physical illness.
Please help me in raising awareness of those afflicted with mental illness during the month of May, mental health awareness month. Please visit www.NSFoundation.org or www.nami.org for more information on the definitions of mental illness and the treatments available today. This is so important.
Anyone that reads my blog should know by now my all-consuming love of fragrance. Of all of our senses, the ability to smell is one that I think most people take for granted. They worry about their eyesight, their hearing, their sense of touch, but not so much about the olfactory sense.
Fragrance lovers, I think, have a more advanced perception of not only perfumes, but also a more acute sense or awareness of everyday smells around them. As musicians can hear notes or music much better than I, I am sure they consider their ability to do so the same as a fragrance lover would. I belong to several message boards where we post about fragrance and our love for it daily. Recently, our board founder, Jeffrey, asked us to start posting essays of anything we thought important about our love of fragrance. It could be a short story, an essay, an experience with scent, or whatever we chose. Some of our members began posting their own poetry about fragrance. To a perfume lover, or a perfumista (mega-fragrance lover) this has became a wonderful thing to read. My friend Karin recently posted this on the essay board and I wanted to share it with my faithful blog readers:
"The pleasure of sensing intertwined.
colors everywhere, blessed sight
rainbows - the double rainbow that encompassed our car
clouds, whether heavy and lowering or wisps of light
I smell colors in context, but not as colors.
the smell of fresh rain or dew laying on grass
clover in spring.... and dandelions, tulips, iris, daffodils
roses, cloyingly sweet, but not to be worn by me
I cannot separate the scents from their beauty.
chocolate
or a good steak
or chicken on the grill -
sweeter to the taste or to the nose, who can separate.
a baby's skin.....a mother's hand....a lover's presence
fresh sheets
new shoes
Each has a scent to go with touch and sight.
a loved one's voice
or music-
we call it colorful-can you taste the chords?
I smell the places that contain the memories.
one sense not enough to define life which is not confined.
------------
My friend Susan also posted the following:
"When you told me you loved me and that my perfume
drove you crazy, I laughed and showed no emotion,
but secretly thrilled to my new found power of Girlwoman.
My sixteen year old self, private places and covert looks,
mirrored tray covered with Tussy and Love's Fresh Lemon,
Mary Quant lip gloss, my father's gift of Blue Grass soaps,
a stolen cache of Shalimar and perfume nips, half-used.
Wrapping a topsheet around my upper body, twisting
the white wilted cotton into a drape of an evening gown.
I look in the mirror and see Cleopatra advancing on Antony,
her perfumed sails scented with spice, musk and rose.
Baths of milk, skin rubbed with henna and almond,
kohl darkened eyes, blue iris and the Snake smiling in his basket.
How could I have known the your glances and your words
and your locker kisses, your tongue in my mouth,
our frantic fumblings in the back of a borrowed Mustang
were the start of a long voyage on a barge opulent and
extravagant,smelling of old leather, cigarette smoke and Shalimar
and the snake, patient and smiling, waiting in his basket.
Thirty years later, high school reunion, feeling sleek and smug
I walk among matronly women and men sporting gold Rolexes,
second wives carrying gold minaudieres and smelling of Cristalle.
I hear you before I see you, then I turn and feign surprise,
oh my, look who's here, it's Antony, you look wonderful
is this your wife, a son at Harvard, how marvelous.
Light kisses, a quick hug, empty promises to keep in touch.
The satisfaction of seeing a hunger in your eyes, a slight stirring
and a wife's discomfort. Old leather, sweat and Shalimar,
Sweet and lethal potion, does it fill your head when I turn and go?
Riding home alone in a rented limousine, I lean back against
the cool night cushions and thrill to the scent of fragrant blood."
-------------------
And last, but not least, from my dear friend Mary who has the soul of an Angel:
I want a perfume........
like V E N U S
rising from the seafoam,
salty, fresh and effervescent.
Something that makes me think
of her hair in the wind.
I want a perfume
like the tumbled ochre stone
of some old Welsh castle,
Mellow'd amber.....
and green, green grass.
Is there a perfume
that smells like my
mother's handbag?
Leather and Doublemint gum,
Revlon lipstick and,
Emeraude, Mama?
I want a perfume
like a Medieval walled garden
Roses climbing the brick,
A maze of lavender and rosemary,
Marjoram and hyssop.
I want a perfume
that smells like the planets
and the stars whirling and twirling
in a dark winter sky.
But...........No
I think that's asking too much.
* I have come to the conclusion that my perfumista friends are not only gifted with their olfactory ability, they are also in tune with the essence of life. I read their words and I can visualize, feel and smell them! That is a gift that is rare and I am thankful that they are my peers.
The past several weeks have been very stressful as you can see with my previous posts on decision-making, relationships, etc. I also have been running for various testing to hopefully solve a medical problem. Being a nurse, I am not the best patient by any stretch. Issues at work, bigger issues at home, health issues, the state of the world, the list goes on and on. Some issues will be eventually resolved, while others have evolved that I knew eventually would and I will deal with them. There are moments of peace and quiet in my mind, and at other times, the wheels keep on spinning and spinning until I am worn out emotionally. All this, having been said, I am a person who has always seen the glass as half full rather than half empty. When feeling as if I need a boost, or some type of uplifting message with meaning, we all turn to something for comfort. I have to have comfort, not chaos and turmoil, and I long for those still, precious moments that surface like bubbles in quality champagne, waiting to explode.
How do you define comfort? One person's idea of comfort may be another person's misery. This idea of feeling at peace, serene and even joyful can be so elusive at times. Some of our comforts can be in the form of compulsions or addictions: food, alcohol, gambling, internet pornography, tobacco, shopping, etc. Some of us may turn within for comfort, and find it in prayer, meditation, quiet time, or God. Other comforts may be of the intangible variety such as music, gardening, running, exercising, sex, reading, quilting, cooking, etc.
My comforts vary with my moods. Among the things that I find comforting are, of course, the ocean, listening to music, solitude, scrapbooking, and my favorite, blogging! It helps me to write things down and deal with them, see in them in written form, it stimulates the cells in my brain and body and puts me in high gear.
Tonite GW was on television again with a speech on his plans to solve the immigration problem. Did I watch it? No, I started then to think about all of the things that have occurred during his administration and I wondered, what, if anything, will be his legacy?
So much has happened during the last 6 years, but the things that stand out most in my mind are as follows. His popularity is now at an all-time low of less than 32 percent, but don't tell Laura Bush that. She disputes polls because she travels all over the country and people speak highly of him, at least to her.
Much stands out in my mind with regard to the acts of Mr. Bush. Many of us remember his reaction to the tragedy of 911 and how at that time he vowed that this country would be prepared for any such future acts if, indeed, they were to take place on U.S. soil. Others may look at how Bush invaded Afghanistan, kept the troops there, and then invaded Iraq, spending billions of dollars and loosing so many American and Iraqi lives. His mission, of course, to spread democracy to a country that had very little to do with the United States. At first, it was the 'hunt' for weapons of mass destruction, and we know that none were found. That was blamed on faulty information from his sources. Someone, other than him, is always to blame. Then there was the time he tried to pass an amendment to the United States Constitution claiming that a marriage was a union only between a man and a woman. I then just about screamed when Bush also tried to intervene in the Terri Shiavo case, making it clear at the time that the law was meant for those other than himself, since he, after all, is President of the United States. We then also have the spy programs and his appointment to head the CIA, a military man. We have the leaks of the CIA agents, the resignation of Colin Powell. I won't even go into the horrible hurricanes that made their way across the Gulf Coast, and a president who failed to act for many days thereafter.
These acts affect all of us, as Americans, at least in some small way or another, but there is one act that has impacted on each and every American, rich or poor, smart on no so, urban or suburban, and that is the price of gas that has gone to more than $3.00 per gallon and rising. Every single one of us is touched, in some way or another by the spiraling price of gasoline at the pump. This president is literally a sleepwalker, he makes his presence felt in a big way, leaving us all hanging on and wondering why he lacks a clear vision of what is really going on today.
I wonder which act everyone thinks Mr. Bush will be remembered for? He has 2 years left in this term, so we will see........................
Most of the time, when I am faced with a difficult or challenging situation, decision or undertaking, and one that could go several different ways depending on the path I choose, I find myself asking whether or not God is testing me.
For example, one can be presented with a situation and choose to act upon it based upon personal desire, which might, in fact, lead to a self-destructive end. Other times, we may find ourselves not knowing whether to do something we were taught is just and right, and turning away from a situation, because we feel it does not suit our own personal needs. Our choice, ultimately, are based upon our own vision and interpretation of ourselves which could include a low self-esteem, or contrarily one where we feel that we are so large, other ways, ideas and perspectives have no merit inside our own particular universe. An individual may have inside their mind the idea that I engage in some self-destructive conduct or stay in a situation or relationship because I do not believe I deserve love. Or conversely, the world should operate the way I think, and failure to do so will result in self-destructive actions.
Letting go of something may be necessary for our own personal and spiritual growth, whether we agree with the consequences or not. Choosing to remain stuck inside of an immovable situation or relationship can only cause personal pain, suffering and result in feelings of low self-worth.
So my question is, do you believe that God tests us? Do we test ourselves to learn certain lessons in order to grow and mushroom into a better person? Ultimately, does it matter what the source of the insight is so long as we can become a better, more loving person?
Sometimes in our lives, we have to learn to let go of people or relationships that are toxic. As you mature, you should learn that even though you might want to maintain the relationship, it is not beneficial to your emotional or physical health. Hanging in there and trying over and over to change the situation can be defeating and usually goes nowhere.
I have decided to learn to let go of a relationship which, at one time, brought much joy and happiness into my life. Sadly, however, it has turned sour over the past several months. In odd ways, people can be like plants. If a relationship is not watered or nurtured, it too can suffer from thirst, it's leaves can turn from a bright green to a muted brown, and like the colorless leaves on the once healthy plant, it will eventually die.
Sometimes, we must let go of people, places and things, even though we still care for them, or harbor good memories, if it turns out that they will provide an unhealthy or toxic element into our lives. Staying free of these compulsions is not an easy thing to do, often the pain of walking away can be sharp, piercing a deep wound inside of one's heart. Letting go, however, means surrendering for our own good and ultimately, our peace of mind. Often, we must let go as well to honor and respect the needs of the other person, even if their goals are quite different from ours. It will be better for both of us in the end. Life is just too short to be unhappy.
So for this, my 100th post, I have made a decision to walk through the pain of a relationship that has become unhealthy for me. This does not mean that I do not feel sad, and that I won't miss the relationship or the person, but sometimes we have to let go in order to grow, in spite of the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside.
I think that over the years, every woman wonders deep in her heart whether or not she has been a good mother. A mother who has raised her children with good values, ethics, kindness and enough love and attention. Being a mother, a good one, anyway, is a difficult job. You are handed a tiny human being and expected to care for it, nourish it and teach it all of the right things and the right values. There are no magic powers instilled in any of us to do so. Each child is different as well and needs different care, and you try so hard not to show any partiality. You know that you love them each individually and equally, but you would never convince them of that. You only hope that they grow up healthy, pick good partners, have a good home and make the right choices in life.
When my children were being raised, their parents fought a lot and most of the time. Their mother stayed in the relationship for longer than she should have, raised herself to believe that women do that 'for the sake of the children'. My mother did and her and my dad fought constantly. I think that parents, mothers anyway, are striving so hard to keep the family unit together, the home intact, that we forget that our children are seeing all of the anger, the fighting and the dysfunction. After 20 years, I did get out of that dysfunctional relationship but by then my children were almost grown. In retrospect, I felt that I should have gotten out sooner and that I had somehow damaged them by keeping them in a home where they witnessed all of the anger and the hurt and were caught in the middle. I prayed that they would choose the right partners, have happy homes and good values, but if the truth be known, I often worried they would not because of the hostility that they were raised in. I blamed myself entirely for that. As one ages and you get out of relationships, you hopefully learn to value yourself more. Maturity teaches you that it is better to be alone than to be in a 'lonely' relationship. Every mother knows that you would literally kill for any of your children, that you would rather be hurt yourself than see them suffer or be in any type of pain, yet we stay in relationships far too long trying to do the 'right' thing.
Several weeks ago, my daughter asked if I could keep this weekend open so that I could watch my younger grandson while his brother played in a sports tournament. No problem there, I adore being with him. She also said that they were taking me out for dinner anywhere I chose on May 11th. I made sure that I planned nothing else for the weekend and the night of May 11th, I met them at the restaurant I had chosen. When I walked into the restaurant my daughter, her husband and children were sitting there with my son. My son lives in Atlanta, Georgia and had flown in that morning to be with me on Mother's Day. I never even suspected. I had been mentioning for several months how I wanted to redecorate my two bathrooms but just didn't have the energy to complete this task. I had talked about the colors I wanted to use, etc. and thought nothing of it. We had dinner and the next morning my son took me to pick out the different paints and supplies, which he bought. He spent all day Friday and Saturday doing all of this manual labor. My daughter took me out on Saturday and bought me towels, a shower curtain, pictures for the walls, everything, which she also bought. What a gift! How do you thank your kids for something like that?
I then began reflecting back on their youth. Apparently, in spite of the home they were raised in something wonderful must have been taught or learned. They are now adults with good jobs, beautiful homes, they go to church and their values are the highest. Both I and their father must have done something right in our lifetimes to deserve these wonderful kids. They give from the heart, they are kind and gentle people with good ethics. For that, I am so thankful and today is a very special Mother's Day.
She is an inspiration.
She is dignity.
She is courage.
She is strength.
She can teach by her wisdom and lead by her grace.
She is a warrior.
She is a goddess.
She is everything in between.
She is laughter.
She is vibrant.
She always radiates life.
She is real.
She is tenderness.
She is hope.
She is a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a best friend.
She is beautiful. She is amazing. She is you.
*in honor of women with breast cancer.
