I officially retired at the end of 2007 and I can't begin to tell you what a difficult decision that was for me. Oh yes, I did retire back in 2003, but I kept on working as a nurse on a contingent basis. But now, in 2007 it was time to call it quits entirely. My children had been begging me to do so and I don't know why the decision was so difficult to make. Was it a loss of identity? Was being a nurse my only identity as I had done it so long? I sat and figured out income, outgo, the whole nine yards, and yes, I could retire. I would not be able to blow money as I had in the past year or so, but I could conceivably do it. Was it losing my identity as a nurse, or was it a fear of admitting old age to myself and to others? Then I thought, well what is wrong with ageing? Is it because senior citizens are thought to be no longer productive? Was it because I felt that if I wasn't working I would have no life? What was it? I had books by the dozens that I wanted to read; I had DVD's by the dozens that I wanted to watch; I wanted to scrapbook and be with my grandkids anytime I wanted..........yes, I decided, I would retire and that old age is a gift.................
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. No, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the sagging butt. And often, I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't apologize over those things for very long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray/white hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've learned to be more kind to myself, less critical of myself. I've learned that I can be alone and I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, for deciding to sit and enjoy a book all day, getting up only to eat or use the bathroom. I am so entitled to a treat, to be messy, or to be lazy and spend te day reading.
I have seen too many dear friends, even children, leave this world too soon; before they knew or understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read, or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will continue to dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 70's, 80's and 90's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love................I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the prying glances from the young and thin.
They, too, will get old someday.
I realize that I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken, and maybe I broke a few as well. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when someone's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But..........broken hearts are what teaches us compassion and understanding, and give us strength. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and loved as I have, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
Old age has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste my time worrying about what could have been, or even worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day if I feel like it.
