Frequent readers of my blog know that sometimes I like to come home from work and post my thoughts with regard to my patients. It is therapeutic for me, it makes me feel that I am on the right path as a nurse; it makes me realize that what I receive from my adolescent patients is more than a paycheck could ever give me. It gives me hope that this world may change and that this child may succeed in the world and that makes it all worthwhile.
Tonight, a patient by the name of Rachel, who had a very troublesome upbringing, who lived with foster parents from the time she was born until she turned 14 was told that she would be discharged to placement the following morning. Her foster parents (who were somewhat older) decided that she was going into puberty and that they did not want to bear her behavior changes, her challenges trying to enter adulthhod, everything involved with becoming a teenager. Their two 'natural' children were grown and they did not want to go through the adolescent years with Rachel.
Anyway, Rachel knew that she would be leaving in the morning and that we most likely would not see each other again. She wrote me a note telling me how much she appreciated the care given by the staff where I work. She began to cry and handed me a piece of paper with a poem that she had written:
"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying"
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure and that all is sunny and
Unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name
And Coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please...........
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically try to create a mask to hide behind, a
Nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretent, to shield me
From the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation and it's the only
thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the
Barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself,
That I am really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I'm afraid that your glance
Will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will
Laugh and wound me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm not much and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my pretending game, with a facade of assurance throughout,
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
What I'd like to be able to say, but cannot.
Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man
You meet and every woman you meet.
**I love you Rachel and I will deeply miss you. I will never forget your sweet face. I hope that life finally gives you all that you should have, for you truly deserve it.
