*Lingering Joys*

*Lingering Joys*

The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand..........
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers in the land.
The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains....
For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.

*Grandchild - Heart of My Heart*

Child of my child, Heart of my heart,
Your smile bridges the years between us -
I am young again discovering the world through your eyes.
You have the time to listen and I have the time to spend.
Delighted to gaze at familiar, loved features, made new in you again.
Through you, I'll see the future, Through me, you'll know the past.
In the present, we'll love one another as long as these moments last.


*God gave us loving grandchildren as a reward for all our random acts of kindness
*Grandchildren are a grandparent's link to the future, and the child's link to the past
*Grandchildren are reminders of what we are really here for, and they are our compensation for growing old.
*I may not be rich, but I have the priceless gift of grandchildren.
*Perfect love sometimes does not come till the first grandchild (Welsh Proverb)
*Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or an effort to change us, as no one in our entire lives has ever done, not our parents, siblings, spouses, friends - and hardly even our own grown children. (Ruth Goode)


Deana, David, Lauren, Matthew and Christopher - you light up my life......

*The Bridge*

"THE BRIDGE"

(Dorothy Hallard)

The way I walk
I see my mother walking
My feet secure
and firm upon the ground

The way I talk
I hear my daughter talking,
and hear my mother's echo
in the sound.

The way she thought
I find myself now thinking,
The generations linking.
in a firm continuum of mind.

The bridge of immortality
I'm walking,
The voice before me echoing behind.


I love and miss you Mom.............

*Time Passes By and People Leave Us*

Today, I was thinking of the people who have entered and left my life as I was reading the following:

Dreams drift away like leaves on the water.
They roll down the river and slip out of sight.
Too many times we do what we ought.
Put off 'til tomorrow what we'd really rather do do tonight,
and later realize:

Time passes by, people pass on.
At the drop of a tear, they're gone.
Let's do what we dare, do what we like,
And love while we're here before time passes by.

Thoughts are like pennies we keep in our pockets,
they're never worth nothing, 'til we give them away.
But love is like a promise in an un-opened letter,
where nights full of pleasure seldom see the light of day
when life gets in the way.

Time passes by, people pass on,
at the drop of a tear, they are gone
Let's do what we dare, do what we like,
and love while we're here before time passes by.

and...............................

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance,
They awaken us to understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.


I didn't write these words, but they convey how quickly time and life passes.........................

*What I've Learned*

I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved, The rest
is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care, some people just don't
care back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to
destroy it.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After than, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it's place.

I've learned -
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED (*REAL WORLD VERSION)


I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes,
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place.

I've learned -
that the people that you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

*I Wish I Had Known*

I wish I'd known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman.

What a difference it would have made!

I wish I'd known that I was born a courageous woman:

I've spent so much of my life cowering.....

I wish I'd known that I'd been born to take on the world;

I wouldn't have run from it for so long,

but run to it with open arms......................

(Sarah Ban Breathnach "Excavating Your Authentic Self")

*The Courage To Be Myself*

I Have the courage to:

*Embrace my strengths.
*Get excited about life.
*Enjoy giving and receiving love.
*Face and transform my fears.
*Ask for help and support when I need it.
*Spring free of the Superwoman trap.
*Trust myself
*Make my own decisions and choices
*Befriend myself
*Complete unfinished business
*Realize that I have emotional and practical rights.
*Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants
*Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
*Honor my own needs
*Give myself credit for my accomplishments.
*Love the little girl within me
*Overcome my addiction to approval
*Grant myself permission to play
*Quit being a responsibility sponge
*Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
*Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to
*Choose what is right for me
*Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
*Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
*Say "yes" only when I really mean it
*Have realistic expectations
*Take risks and accept change
*Grow through challenges
*Be totally honest with myself
*Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
*Respect my vulnerabilities
*Heal old and current wounds
*Wave good-bye to guilt
*Plant "flower" not "weed" thoughts in my mind
*Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same
*Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow
*Own my own excellence
*Plan for the future but live in the present
*Value my intuition and wisdom
*Know I am lovable
*Celebrate the differences between men and women
*Develop healthy, supportive relationships
*Make myself a priority
*Accept myself just as I am now

*Every Woman.....................*

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE......................

One old love she can imagine going back to, and one who reminds her of how far she has come............

Enough money to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to and never needs to....

Something perfect to wear if her boss or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A youth she is content to leave behind.....

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

The realization she she is actually going to have an old age and has the money set aside to fund it...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...........

One friend who always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...

A feeling of control over her destiny..

A skin care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30..

A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and other facets of life that do get better after 30..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.......

How to fall in love without losing herself...

How she feels about having kids..

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

When to try harder.....when to walk away..

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend..

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

That her childhood may not have been perfect, but its over

What she would and would'nt do for love or more

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she should'nt take it personally..

Where to go.....be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming Inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing.

What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year.......

*What Do Angels Look Like?*

Angels are ever all around us

And with his love they do surround us.

When my heart is sore in need

The angels come, my soul to feed

They come to me from up above

and sing in whispers of "His" love.

When in my heart I feel a tug

I know that it's an Angel's hug.

What do angels look like?

Like the little old man who returned your wallet that you lost yesterday.

Like the taxi driver that told you that your eyes light up the world when you smile.

Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.

Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.

Like the rich man who showed you that it really is possible, if only you believe.

Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.

Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types. Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.

They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, lovers and fools.

They are hard to find when your eyes ae closed, but they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.

*Fairies, I Hope You Believe In Them*

Every time a child says "I don't believe in fairies" there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. (James M. Barrie)

Fairies are invisible and inaudible like angels, but their magic sparkles in nature.

Freckles on the face are actually fairy's kisses.

Garden fairies came at Dawn, bless the flowers, then they're gone.

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.

Wind chimes in your yards will serenade garden creatures, squirrels, fairies and angels.

*Remembering You, Leslie*

For my sweet baby girl, from your mother.









Leslie Susan McAllister (3-21-63 to 7-5-02)

*I BLEW YOU A KISS*

I blew you a kiss upon the wind
Did you catch it?

Soft as a Unicorn's mane
Sweet as a mystic lake
A subtle breath upon your lips?
I lifted my arms to Heaven
Did you feel me?

Warm as a summer night
Sincere as a mermaid's smile
A light caress upon your skin?
I love you - set sail among the stars
Did you hear it?

A whisper through mighty Oaks
A shout through a numinous midnight
A mysterious flutter of your heart?

I miss you and I love you, my Leslie girl...............

*Our Inner Child: Being A Kid Again*

I work as an RN at a psychiatric hospital in the Adolescent
Unit. I see children from all backgrounds with problems that the average layperson would be shocked to know. Some come from abusive homes, some come well-to-do homes in the suburbs, some are sent here through the court system. Some parents really care about their children and some could care less. One such young girl who I admitted last night was raised from birth in an orphanage in the Ukraine. At that orphanage, she was raped at the age of 6 years old. She was adopted by a couple in the United States at the age of 10. She had difficulty fitting in with these adoptive parents and when they determined that they could no longer keep her after a period of 3 years, she was sent to another set of parents in another state who became her guardians. She was not in this home long either, these parents also decided she didn't fit in and she was sent to several different youth homes and shelters. At these transient homes, she would self-mutilate, fight with and bite the staff and run out into the street in front of oncoming traffic. Due to all these attempts at self-harm, she was sent to our hospital for evaluation. She is now a temporary ward of the state and her future is up in the air - most likely she will be sent to another foster home or another shelter. As I sat with this beautiful child, I could not help but wonder what would eventually become of her. She had never known the innocense and wonder of a normal childhood. How would this important part of her psyche ever develop - love and security were something she had never known. She was forced to grow up with no support system, assuming responsibilities and having to deal with issues that any normal child would not have. She is not unusual in the field I work in, but I will never get used to that fact. I then began thinking, how many of us can go back to our normal inner child and be a kid again?

As we grow older and embrace the multitude of responsibilities that adulthood brings, we often bury a part of ourselves along the way. While a child, each new day brings a new adventure in the form of playing and learning. The fun you have then, as a child, is spontaneous and chaotic, unplanned and exuberant. While your obligations, successes and failures, anxietyabout the future, and lofty goals may make it seem like it's dangerous to step out of the role of adult, the child within still remembers what it was like to be full of mischief and good humor. Having fun for the pure delight of it can feel frivolous, but part of having fun is letting go and acting like a kid again.

It can be difficult to get excited about the changing of the seasons or the coming of a new year when you work year round. But, what better reason is there to have fun than the simple joy of long summer days that are great for running through the sprinkler, rolling in the grass looking for four-leaf clovers, catching fireflies in a jar at dusk, piles of autumn leaves to jump in, making snow angels in the winter or jumping through puddles in the Spring? Kids know instinctively that fun doesn't have to be carefully planned or scheduled in our day planner. Why not go to the nearest playground and spend some time on the swings, or shoot crumpled paper basketballs into your wastebasket during a slow afternoon at the office? Fun can come from veering away from your normal routine like having breakfast for dinner and cake for breakfast once in a while. Do something you have not done since childhood like making freezer pops, riding a bike, building a sandcastle or painting with fingerpaints. Finding fun in unexpected places is a kind of joy no one can ever take away from you. There are lessons to be learned by doing so, about staying carefree and doing something that makes you laugh.

I wonder about these children that are my patients and who they will be in their adulthood. Will their psyche survive the loss of their inner child? We only have them in our custody for a short time while the system decides which foster home or longterm youth home they will go to is decided. I remember them all, I think about them and I pray that eventually they will know happiness in their lives......................................

*Is The Answer Now Blowing In The Wind?*

Who among us is not currently aware of the many things that have gone totally wrong this year? We have seen New Orleans and the gulf coast destroyed by a category 4 hurricane, with countless people, still today, left homeless, jobless, separated from their families and not knowing when, if ever, they can return home. Now we have learned of yet another hurricane, Rita, considered to be the third deadliest in history developing stamina as it heads towards the coast of Galveston, Texas. Two separate hurricanes, with horrific consequences, considered the second and third worst in history occurring less than a month apart. I watched today as a Jet Blue plane, that had left from Burbank, California had problems with the landing gear and had to make a quite spectacular emergency landing. Thankfully, there was a happy ending as the pilot brought the plane down with no one injured. What is becoming of the world with all of these events colliding together as if on a collision course to disaster? How can one explain or even understand the unexplainable?

When things like this occur, it helps to look at what we have inside our own lives to make us grateful. I look at all of life's blessings when feeling a sense of helplessness. My husband, my children, my grandchildren, my pets, my dear friends, and all of the gifts that seem to constitute the porous thread holding all of our lives together.

Life so so fragile - We can see it here before our eyes, and forget how precious it, and everything else around us is. In times of pain and sorrow, we must be mindful of who we are and what we have to offer the world, and to thank God for each and every one of them.

*Taking Inventory Of The Soul*

One day last week at work we were discussing addiction and the 12 step program that addicts use in their rehabilitation process. We decided that it would benefit everyone if, on occasion, they applied it to their own lives. One could do any inventory of oneself, a searching and fearless moral landscape of who we are and what we would like to be.

One would have to think in vivid detail and with total honesty about themselves. One could evaluate who they were, how they think and behave towards themselves, others and God. Where have I been selfish, dishonest, or where can I make improvements. One must not blame the other person, become defensive or their inventory would not be forthright.

Looking deeply into one's self takes courage, strength and a certain type of conviction to see yourself honestly for who we are, and the light can shine within on the person we would like to become, as we turn towards God, towards others, and towards ourselves. Ultimately, we would be asked to make changes with our words and our behavior. As a result, some relationships would be made stronger and some would crumble during the process. Nevertheless, we look at ourselves honestly, and sit in both the role of judge and jury as we bring about a plan for change and growth.

*Remembering to Live*

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES.......................................



Many present-day cultures are busy ones. We want it all, we look always forward, striving to live optimally and successfully, constantly improving ourselves, and immersing ourselves in the hustle and bustle of great achievements. We rush from here to there, always trying to meet deadlines. In doing so, however, it is so easy to focus our attention on tomorrow while letting today totally slip away unnoticed. After a while, it becomes so difficult to stop, to soften our focus, to look around, and to consider the here and now. We quickly forget how important it is just to take pleasure in the simple joys of existence, like clear blue skies, birds singing, sunsets, the laughter of a loved one, or the rich taste of a favorite dish. We may feel we are too busy to revel in the small stuff, but our future will wait for us and there will always be another responsibility on the horizon. Some say 'less is more' and as I age I see the wisdom in that statement. Remembering a class that I took in college called Comparative Religions, we studied so many different religions, their beliefs, their origin. One day we took a field trip to a Zen Buddist Temple in Ann Arbor. I was enriched by that experience moreso than other trips that we had taken. Entering the temple, I was immediately impressed by the serenity and the calmness. This religion focuses on the simplistic refusing to rush. Knowing that I would not become a Zen Buddhist, I was, nonetheless so impressed with their religion and their serenity. Each moment of our lives gives the potential to seek happiness, satisfaction and spiritual growth.

I remember an old saying: life is what happens while you are busy making plans. While not entirely true, there are real benefits to taking the time to experience life's positive aspects. Many of us, if we try, will find that we are able to make time for living. Try re-evaluating your 'must-do' schedule so that you can focus on what is really vital. Give up control for a few minutes and watch the world go by, take a walk to an unfamiliar place, bask in the sunshine, look at the cloud formations, or play in the snow. There are other delights that come from doing that which we enjoy, such as treasured hobbies or practicing recreational skills. These are also vital.

Remembering to live expresses the fact that you value the whole of your life, rather than just the past or the future. It reminds you why you do what you do and helps you appreciate who you are, instead of only who you will become. The path you will walk is hidden from you, but the path you are walking can be enjoyed from moment to moment, if you take the time to be a part of the goodness around you. Next time you find yourself overwhelmed with goals, deadlines, agendas, don't forget to just live.

*Wish I May, I Wish I Might*

I think that most of us have found ourselves daydreaming a time or two, or in one form or another. We may be seduced by an accomplishment of some personal goal, dream or wish, or our desires may in fact speak to a larger forum for something to occur in the world. Others, may dream in metaphors embracing the spiritual and/or religious elements of the world as like whirling dervishes from an old but familiar tale. Be that as it may, we all have dreams in one form or another.

The other night, when the sky was clear and millions of stars were blinking their light, with warm accompanying rain shower announcing it's soft presence, I started thinking about about how my Mother used to tell me as a little girl "wish on that star" as she pointed to the sky. This made me consider what I would wish for now, or what I would like to do or see happen during my own life time.

Here is what I came up with for the moment:

1. If money were no object, I would love to see England, Ireland, the South Pacific Islands.

2. I would love to see peace in the world, to be able to switch on the tv and see countries coming together instead of being at war.

3. I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren graduate college, to see them married and to hold my great-grandchildren, as well.

4. I wish I had taken dance lessons as a child, as I would love to continue in advanced dancing lessons. I have always had a love for dance and music, just wish I would have explored it more thoroughly.

5. I would love to see a cure for cancer and for AIDS, as well.

6. I would love to be able to be an ambassador of good will and provide care for the impoverished children in Africa, Somalia and other parts of the world .

7. I would love to swim with the dolphins one time in my life.

8. When it is my time to leave this earth, I want to know that my children are happy, cared for and secure.

9. See a time where all people in this country had affordable health care.

10. See a wealth of treatment centers for the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled.

11. See treatment and rehabilitation available for all forms of addiction.

*Being Who You Are and Living Your Truth*

As little children, we are truly innocents and we live authentically, seldom afraid or embarrased to seek out what we want or to speak our minds. I love the innocense of children, they are born that way. It is such a precious quality lost way too quickly.
As we grow older, we tend to tuck that authenticity away, putting it aside while we chase our dreams, afraid that it might hinder us in our goal of success. But somehow, we never let the freedom completely go. We most likely conform to society while embracing secret passions when alone. We sometimes withhold certain opinions, even though it doesn't change the fact that we possess them. I think it is so important, however, not to stray too far from that youthful brashness and self-interest for they are qualities that help make you who you are. Many people quickly forget this in their effort to please or to fit in. The authentic you is your true self and by living authentically, you live your truth, making time for the things that you love and in essense, projecting who you really are. The simplest way to live your truth is to leave the expectations of others behind and to live the way you feel most worthwhile.

Actually, sometimes it takes being selfish in a healthy way to do what you know is best for you, regardless of the opinion of others - sometimes even the opinions of friends and family. Living your truth and living authentically means that you make choices without fear, trusting in your soul's wisdom. If you value personal pursuits, don't feel forced into a certain job just to make enough money to keep up with the neighbors. Conversely, if you prize success in business, don't let other's perception of what is right for you hold you back either. Denying your unique truth can lead to feelings of failure and unhappiness because you are not acknowledging your true self. In living your truth, there are no promises, everything you do will reflect who you are.

If you are unsure of what your authentic or true self is, look inward and ask yourself what your purpose, values and needs are, honor your strengths and do not let yourself be guided by what others expect of you. Finally, most important of all, discover what your passions are by trying new things and sticking with the things that stir your soul. Finding out who you really are and then making the choice to embrace your dreams and desires will take your life in a direction that is both satisfying and meaningful.

*Steps In The Right Direction*

With all of the tragedy in the world recently, I have decided to take a vacation from tragedy and take steps in the right direction! It is a time to be positive and to begin to make changes in the world. I have came up with the following eight ways to make a difference in the world:

1. Everything, people, places and situations have something to say! I am going to really listen, without interrupting or letting my attention wander. This, I feel. is the simplest way to learn and understand the needs of other people and of the world.

2. Volunteering your time or donations of money are causes which touch many hearts. Read to an elderly patient or buy new books for a veteran's home. Work at a soup kitchen or send a gift of food. No matter the size or your gift, big or small, ultimately your contribution will positively affect many people.

3. Embrace nature and beautify the world around you for others. To lift one's spirits, keep your garden bright, or plant and maintain flowers in a public place, Or, you could always donate a tree in someone's name in your local park. As a gift to wild animals, make your yard friendly with dense hedges and by using only natural pesticides.

4. Your energy will show, believe me, and it will affect others so choose to be beacon of light. Project goodness, happiness, and peace outward through your home, neighborhood, country, and finally the world. The effects of this are felt for thousands of miles.

5. Smile and the world smiles with you. When you catch a stranger's eye, flash a bright smile even if you are feeling that happy. Your stranger may seem confused, but their day (and yours) will be brighter.

6. Animals feel a lack of love as acutely as humans do. Adopt a pet from your local shelter rather than purchasing from a pet store. If your life cannot include having a pet around, spend an afternoon volunterring at the local shelter giving the animals so much needed attention.

7. Help improve someone's self-esteem or simply show them that you care. Give a compliment, send a friendly letter, or tell someone you were thinking about them. Make a sincere effort to keep in touch with long-time acquaintances and to develop new friendships.

8. Be a role model. Rather than asking others to alter themselves, change your outlook and .behavior. A role model can be a source of inspiration, hope and self-respect. Actively take on the responsibilities of a role model and reach out to children in need of guidance or an adult in need of a friend.

Do all of these suggestions sound "pollyannish" or simplistic, of course they do. But, I have always felt that good attitude and good deeds have a domino effect. We so desperately need postive change in this world we live in. We are so badly divided as a nation as well a world. We have to begin to resolve our differences and make this world a better place to live, we truly do. If we don't, the future of our children and grandchildren will be doomed one.

*Divided We Stand - Divided We Fall*

Over the past several weeks, I have been noticing that most people in this country are so divided, politically. Some divisions are along idealogical lines, with morality as a core component of the difference. Many others prefer to be divided politically, with nasty barbs thrown at will if an opinion is expressed contrary to one's own. The resulting name calling could be: dumb conservative, right wing conservative, left leaning commie liberal. If you are Republican, you stand for this - if you are Democrat, you want this! Be this as it may, our country seems to be more and more divided by the day. This fracture, I feel, is one that will be very difficult to heal and it breaks my heart that both sides cannot heal and come to any type of compromise.

Most people I know realize my dissatisfaction with the Bush administration, I frequently make my feelings known on my own blog and others. Truly, I had hoped, and even prayed, yes prayed, for a more compromising President, one who would not view the world in such rigid terms, such as 'my way or the highway', but this is not to be had during this presidency. This man never admits that he has ever made a mistake. That is so dangerous in a world leader, we all make mistakes. He severely lacks diplomacy with other nations and countries around the world, along with a lack of compassion or understanding for the common, noncorporate, man and woman in America today. I see him as being a person who thinks that his way is the only way, and whether you like it or not, he will have his way. He must have been very catered to and had all of his needs met as a child, spoiled actually. I saw him speaking today on the news in front of the United Nations, asking for their assistance. Normally, I change the channel when he speaks, but I found him requesting help as truly unbelievable. Why didn't he wait for the help of other nations before invading Iraq? We are stuck there now, it is a Pandora's box that should have never been opened. I doubt that other nations will be so willing to help now. I love my country, have always voted, campaign for my candidate during the elective process, and it pains me to see the direction in which this country is going.

The recent horrors of hurricane Katrina, with the ravages to the earth, wind and fire have created a division in our nation even more, along class, race and ethnic lines. Some gross generalizations are established as a result, with people pointing the finger at the federal government, or conversly chastizing local officials and state government. Regardless of the name and blame game, there is a clear division of opinion, regardless of fault, which is usually accorded to one group or the other. There is little, if any, middle ground anymore, and the division appears to be along extreme lines pitting one group in dramatic opposition to the other.

The four year anniversary of 911 has recently passed. We stood together as a people after that horrible event, we helped one another and there was no division. We came together as the most wealthy, prosperous and compassionate of all nations. Upon reflection, today after the recent devastation of hurricane Katrina, we have some significant issues to tackle as a country. The perception of America as a great country is losing footing among our own citizens and from the perspective of the world at large.

Four years after our country was attacked on 911, we have an administration having badly bungled both the war in Iraq and the recent major disaster in the gulf. We have a budget that is unmanageable, gas prices are totally out of control and thousand of homeless, jobless people. Our President is losing the popularity contest, and his numbers are plummeting each and every day, but in the end, does it really make any difference? Faced with an unpopular President, and a rich country presently in a terrible state, what, if anything can be done?

Our political system, although containing safeguards for ousting a President, given the current state of the composition of the Senate and the House, with a Republican majority, is truly rather safe so that the current administration can sail through without much accountability for it's actions. Besides, when one looks at the divisions along party lines, and the lack of unity in this country at the present time, most Republicans back and defend Bush regardless of what he does, to them, he can do no wrong. Party loyalty seems to have replaced blood in the public spectrum and is, in fact, thicker than water, as the only saying goes. Can it truly be said that whether we like what is happening or not, we must accept it no matter where it takes us on any given day?

Can anyone believe that as an American, your voice can be heard today and that you can still make a difference? Can anything be done with Bush and his administration, given the current state of politics? What remedies do we think we have as Americans? Are we better off or safer than we were four years ago as a country? I don't think so. What can be done to unite the people of this nation once more? Will the divisions between us ultimately be our downfall, like a civil war between the "red" and the "blue" or are they needed to achieve some type of necessary balance?

*The Images and the Meaning of Loss and Change*

Over the past several weeks, watching all of the national news, discussing current events at work and talking to people online, I have noticed the loss of life in pictures and words, the loss of families, the loss of homes and entire lifestyles. Specifically, I think about all of the images from the recent hurricane in the Gulf and how it ripped families apart literally. Lives were changed in a heartbeat. Some losses were more brutal or grandious than others. The most visible of these images were permanent fixtures, such as homes, businesses, cars, all ripped from their owners in the blink of an eye. Some lost their children, their spouses, their parents or other loved ones. Other types of losses related to news of an illness or the failure of relationships, types of things that cause a domino effect and alter our life forever.

Loss and change can be difficult - there is no quick fix or bandaid that can be placed upon oneself to soothe the scars of desolation or destruction. At times, we are left with immense feelings of pain and confusion once something or someone is taken from us. We are unable to understand why this happened or what it means to us in terms of time, place and destination. One individual may begin to ask "why" in essence, effecting his or her relationship with God, self, or others. Some relationships fall apart while others come together. When my mother died last year, my lifelong 'family" as it were fell apart, I had to take a good look at myself and my values - I was now the head of the family unit with both parents gone. My own lifetime became shorter in my mind.

When we do lose someone or something, we often must engage in the process of re-examination of our own lives through a new pair of eyes, as our dreams are thwarted, relationships end, or we lose jobs and must move into unknown territory. It is what we do within ourselves and the process of how we move forward that provides a glimmer of insight into the way we deal with loss or change as it occurs.

I remember the immense sense of loss and failure that I experienced at the end of my first marriage. I thought that it was the most devastating event in my life. I had been lied to and betrayed by what I thought at that time was the 'center' of my existence. In retrospect, it seems so sublime compared to the losses since then. How we grow and assimilate pain and learn from it! Life's lessons seem so difficult at the time, but we learn and we grow. Often, when we lose someone or something, we ask "why" rather than "for what reason". For myself, I wonder if God is testing me, or why something happened to me, to cause so much pain. I know that one day, ultimately, I will know and understand.

I don't think there is any greater loss in this lifetime than the loss of a child of your own. Nothing prepares you for that - nothing compares to the loss. Relationships, homes, lifestyles, great jobs, absolutely everything pales in comparison. I think that when I found out that my oldest daughter had died, I was in total denial for the longest time. I could not for the life of me understand why, at the moment of her death, I did not immediately know or sense her gone? I was her mother - I should have felt excrutiating pain, something, anything to indicate she had left this earth. Why wasn't I aware at that moment? I carried her for over 9 months in my own body, I loved her unconditionally her entire lifetime. Many times, I didn't approve of her lifestyle, but that in no way affected my love for her - or my other children for that matter. I still pictured, in my mind, some type of cord, or whatever, attaching us to our children for the rest of our lives. Why didn't I know when that cord broke apart, when she left this earth. This all sounds strange, probably, but I did feel there should have been some warning. Something so that I could rescue her or save her or lessen her pain. I stayed up all night in a state of shock and I remember sitting in the early dawn of the next morning listening to birds singing, feeling the warmth of the early sun and all of a sudden, knowing within my heart, that she was finally protected and safe with God. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Nothing prepares you for that loss and you feel that it would be wonderful just to die yourself so that you would not have to experience the horrible pain of this loss. She came to me in a dream shortly after that - this was a dream like no other. She looked beautiful, she looked healthy, and she looked so happy! She was smiling so sweetly, letting me know that she was finally at peace. I have never experienced a dream like that, it must have been so hard for her to make herself known in her attempt to ease my grief, which she did.

Although, it sounds quite simplistic, it can truly be said that for every moment of loss or change it is our opportunity to grow, depending on our state of mind and willingness to go forward without regret or resentment. I remember reading at one time "all journies have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware". In times of change and loss, it is so vital that we never lose hope. We must cling to our beliefs, to have rock-solid faith, however you find it, and to use the memories of what was, to allow us to remain strong and to have learned another life lesson. What does not kill you, ultimately makes you stronger.

*Is It Just Me...........................*

Is it just me or are my fellow countrymen becoming immune to pain and suffering. Over the last few days, I have been watching all of the rescue efforts and the wonderful support that most of my countrymen have been giving to the people displaced in the Gulf by hurricane Katrina. They are there to help people that have been left with nothing, no homes, no jobs, many wondering where the rest of their family has been displaced to, wondering about where their pets are. God help them, they have been dealt such a horrible blow. You can't turn on the television without seeing horrible stories of loss and pain and suffering. This was an act of nature such as this country has never seen in my lifetime. The overall loss of people will, most likely, even surpass the 911 tragedy. I so admire the Coast Guard, the local police, the firefighters, the doctors and nurses who stayed at their places of employment and went for days existing on little to no sleep, minimal supplies with total commitment to their patients. These are the unsung heroes that will probably not receive true recognition, at least in this life. There are also the many people who have contributed to the Red Cross, even a nurse that I work with is going down to assist without any thought of compensation. The other famous people that have used their celebrity and their money to help those in need, the people as well as the lost animals.

No, it is not these people that concern me. I frequent many message boards about things that interest me, my book reading passion, my low carb eating boards, my pet boards, my makeup and fragrance boards. On some of them, I am hearing people say with relation to the victims left in the hurricane aftermath: "well at least they were given a place to stay". Of course they were, at the superdome which had no electricity, no airconditioning, no food or water for a multitude of over 25,000 people who were the elderly, babies, women and small children and many with medical problems who were held hostage by a small group of hoodlums with guns who inflicted rape, robbery and sometimes murder upon them, for over 5 days! Unbelievable, but "at least they were given a place to stay".
The overworked policemen in the area, who worked night and day without rest, not knowing if their own families were safe or if they had homes to return to, kept working to help people. After over a week, when at least 2 had committed suicide, several were asked to take a few days vacation so that they could rest and recover. One of my board posters said, "I don't really think any money should be going towards the policemen's vacations". Lord Help Us.
Many also said, "well, they knew it was coming, they should have got the hell out of the way". These were some of our nation's poorest with little or no money and definitely without transportation.
Even Barbara Bush stated that since they were now in Texas they were likely "in a better place than they were used to" even though they are living in the Astrodome in Houston. Then she giggled her little laugh as if Texas was doing these poor souls a favor by "letting" them live for a short time at this facility.
Is it just me or have we become so uncaring, so self- centered, so immune to the plight of the poor, the hungry, the displaced that we just don't care anymore? I find this whole thing just heartbreaking in this great nation.

*In My Own Country, I Am Witnessing Tragedy*

As I watch the coverage of the president of our country tour Biloxi, Mississippi, I want to slap him. He is dressed in a shirt with sleeves rolled up as if he is there to assist in the cleanup. A crying mother and child have even been added to the mix for a good photo op! I think there was also a picture of him swooping down in AirForce One surveying the damage to New Orleans or what is left of it. Such a horrible tragedy has not struck our nation in my lifetime other than 911, and this one may even have more of a death toll.

About 911, a horrible day for all of our country. A terrorist by the name of Osama Bin Laden bragged about that tragedy and boldly declared that it was done by his direction. Have we yet caught Bin Laden, NO, our leader decided to take us into Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction that no one ever found. They did find Saddam Hussein though. He is not a nice man but there are many other terrorists in the world who are worse. We have sent almost 2000 young soldiers to their death with this directive, issued by Mr. Bush. Rather than a short "shock and awe" march into Iraq that our president assured us would be over soon, we are still there. Iraq is now full of insurgents and a new training ground for terrorists.

Is it because of our National Guard and our soldiers that are in Iraq that the desperation and death has not been addressed until several days after the fact?. Over 25,000 people were crammed into the Superdome in New Orleans having no where else to go. They had no air-conditioning, no water, no food, small children, the elderly, and people dying right and left. I don't doubt that any group crammed into the situation these people were would become hostile and have a gang mentality. After 5 days Mr. Bush called the congress who were also 'vacationing' back to work for legislation to deal with the issue. I can remember when the patient Terry Schiavo was being weaned off of her feeding tube in Florida, Mr. Bush called congress in for a midnight session to intervene. His brother, Jeb, the governor of Florida was even asking for guardianship of Ms. Schiavo to keep her alive. Good publicity to get another Bush in the White House in 2008? Could be, these Bush guys love publicity.

With regard to the right to life, once Mr Bush was asked by a reporter which legislation he would propose to insure his stance on promoting a culture of life. He responded by saying that he wants to be sensitive and compassionate towards life and will do what is necessary to insure that life is preserved. How can Bush justify that he wants to be sensitive towards preserving life when he: (1) he is absolutely unequivocally pro-death penalty (2) so many people live in this country at or in the poverty level and find it difficult to support their children on a daily bases. The people in the south sure proved this with the recent hurricane Katrina. (3) there are so many who suffer from mental illness and services and funds at the federal level therebydiminishing the quality of their life. Are people who are poor, mentally ill, or those on death row less deserving of his compassion towards life?

How do men such as George Bush, who proclaim Jesus to be his favorite individual and all of those right-wing conservatives who call themselves Christian consistently practice what I call a culture of intolerance? This method of thinking extends to everything including women's right to chose, sexual orientation, stem cell research, and issues on the war in Iraq. From what I see there is a stubborn, bullying mentality emerging, which basically says "my way or the highway".

Are we here in America becoming a theocratic country? By this, I mean, are we a country where our government has become subject to undue influence and control by religious extremists whereby humanism has been replaced by religious fundamentalism. It appears that the rights of minorities and individuals are chiseled away, and are replaced by the thoughts, actions and fear of reaction by the Chrisitian right extremists. Judges and top policy makes that this president includes inside his cabinet include many individuals with extreme views who always echo those of his own. And of course, there is the ever present comment that this president does not want to offend the Christian right wing, that group responsible for bringing him a second term.

So here I sit, watching this man going around reporters with his sleeves rolled up as if he is going to pitch right in and help them out! It makes me physically ill. Too little, too late for all of the pain and suffering in our own country, the richest most powerful country in the world.

*Immortality*

I think that each and everyone of us wants to believe that our lifetime left a mark or an imprint on the world, in some way, shape or form. We want to know that we lived for a purpose, moreover, we want to be remembered for who we are and what we did. We are all vain individuals in the long term. Vanity is a fundamental part of who we are.
Just look around and you will see this reflected in how we want to be perceived: the way we dress, smell, eat, live or the homes we inhabit. Vanity is not to be thought of as a negative thing, it can be gloriously positive!

How and what would you want to be remembered? Would it be your writing, your food habits, your tastes, smells, lifestyle or your work?

For myself, I want to be remembered for the beautiful children of mine. This is a testimony to all that I believe is important in my life. I have never wanted million dollar ventures, fancy labels, expensive cars or homes. Although my career as a nurse has been a good one, it does not define who I am. Just my children, my grandchildren. I believe that they will represent everything about me that I believed was good, morally true and important. That is the impression I want to leave..........