Monday, November 21, 2005

*The Girl I Used To Be*


She came tonite as I sat alone....
The girl I used to be...
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
and questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
and hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do.

Where is the mansion of stately height
with all of it's gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
and the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising, I took her hand
and guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
and the only career that I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
for the dear ones who come and go

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
she smiled through her tears at me,
and I saw that the woman that I am now
pleased the girl I used to be.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

*Memory*


Memory is a selection of images

Some illusive, others printed indelibly on the brain.

Each image is like thread.

Each thread woven together to make a tapestry of intricate texture,

And the tapestry tells a story, and the story is our past.

*My Thoughts on Staying Young, Happy & Healthy*



*Throw out all non-essential numbers. This will include age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them, that is what you pay him/her for.

*Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches will pull you down. If you feel you really need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.

*Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening.............whatever. Just never let the brain idle. An idle mind is the devils' workshop - and that devils name is Alzheimers.

*Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college....that is all you can afford. When they are grown and you are on retirement.......that is all you can afford.

*Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked anywhere by your distinctive laughter.

*Tears happen! Endure, grieve, and then move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is................ourselves.

*Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies.... whatever. Your home is your refuge.

*Cherish your health. If it is good......preserve it. If it is unstable......improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve......get help.

*Do not take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a different country....but not guilt!

*Tell the people you love, that you love them.....at every opportunity.

*Remember.........Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

*Sea Fever*


I have always loved the ocean, the smell of salt air, the sand between my toes and the sunsets off Sanibel Island. Sometimes I literally crave it - the calmness and serenity that it returns.

I hate to be near the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. In all of those moods, I see myself.

My recollection of the ocean has given me blessed release from care and worry and the troubled thinking of our modern day. It has been a return to the primitive and the peaceful.

Near the sea, we forget to count the days.

The tide rises, the tide falls, the twilight darkens, the curlew calls.

The voice of the sea speaks to the soul.

"Sea Fever" (John Masefield)

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky.
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.
And the wheel's kick and wind's song and the white sail's shaking.
And a gray mist on the sea's face and a gray dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
is a wild call and clearly a call that may not be denied.
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again to the vagrant gypsy life
To the gull's way and whale's way where the wind is like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

*Some of My Beauty Tips*



For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it at least once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed: never throw out anybody.

Remember, that if you need a helping hand, you will find one at the end or your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.

And the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.

*An Ode to Eddie - Finally at Peace*


"We can consciously end our life almost anytime we choose. This ability is an endowment - like laughing and blushing - given to no other animal....In any given moment, by not exercising the option of suicide, we are choosing to live".

I received a telephone call the other morning from a sweet young man who used to be my stepson when I was married to his father. He informed me that my ex-husband Eddie, had taken his own life, shooting himself with a pistol. Apparently, he had planned it, had even made arrangements with a funeral home for immediate cremation following his death. So sad and so unfair to his children, and to his grandchildren. Jeff and his siblings had no indication that their father planned on taking his own life so they were devastated and had many unanswered questions, as survivors always do when suicide is the cause of death. Eddie was not close to his children ever, he blamed it on a divorce from their mother; and we all know that is not a good reason not to see your children. Actually, Eddie had distanced himself from everyone, living alone and having nothing to do with his time. It's funny, but when someone dies, we forget the bad times we had with them, the arguments, disagreements, unkind words said in anger. We remember only the good things, the happy times we had together. Death is so forgiving, is it not?

"Death is more universal than life - everyone dies but not everyone lives."

I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Eddie, I thought that he was incredibly handsome, which he was. We only dated for a very short time before getting married, which in retrospect, was a mistake. The marriage was good for the first couple of years, we did everything together, comfortable in each other's company. It didn't take me long to realize that Eddie had very few friends in his life. He was quite the loner, it took him a long time to form attachments for anyone. After several years I also noticed how he was interested in World War II, wishing that he had lived during that time. He lived so much in the past, he began to slowly lose interest in the future.

He hated socializing, preferring to stay at home, or be with me alone. He decided to retire at a very young age, wanted to move to Florida, which we had visited several times to see his parents. Loving Florida, I agreed. In hindsight, retiring was the worst possible thing for him to do. For a while, having a new home demanded a lot of his time, establishing a new lawn, making a rock garden and things like that. He went to every gun and knife show as well, he always had a fascination with firearms. He made our huge garage into a workroom, where he could work on his guns and knives. He even had a television in it. He would disappear into his workroom for hours at a time. It wasn't long before he began multiple somatic complaints about his health. This led us to doctor after doctor, test after test, to find out that nothing was physically wrong with him. I remember once, after a test when the doctor told him he was in perfect health, he broke down and cried, convinced that he was dying. He then began withdrawing more and more into himself and to shut me out. I was still working fulltime as a nurse and I knew that what he was suffering from was severe depression, but he wouldn't hear of that. I attributed this to early retirement without any plan for hobbies, projects or other outlets to occupy his time. I suggested that he get a parttime job to give himself something to look forward to. He would apply for a job, be hired, and at the last minute, decide not to take it. Doctors then prescribed Ativan to deal with his anxiety, what a mistake that was. He took large amounts of it, convincing himself that it was okay since the doctor prescribed it. He began to retreat ever more into himself, hiding money, isolating himself in his workroom and our marriage began to disintegrate,


"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live".

Unable to heal the marriage or Eddie, we decided to divorce. He moved back to Michigan and I remained in Florida for another 3 years before moving back. Just a year or so ago, I was shopping at a local mall. There was Eddie, sitting on a bench at the mall, people watching. Most likely, he was trying to kill time, having nothing else to do. He noticed me, and I began to smile, bearing no hard feelings. I intended to tell him about the different things that had occurred since I last saw him. He got up, walked away, totally ignoring me. I let it go, attributing it to his anger from the divorce and his habit of self-isolation.

The next thing I heard about Eddie was the fact that he had taken his own life. Initially, I was shocked. Then I began to think it through and was not surprised. He was never truly at peace with himself, formed few friendships and ever fewer loving relationships. He preferred living in the past to living in the present, having no appreciation for all of the joys around him. His children wanted his love, he rarely allowed it. He was emotionally vacant in his relationships with women, shutting them out, allowing no one in. I wish that he had dealt with his depression and loneliness instead of picking up a gun and killing himself. Too bad they can't put depression and loneliness as a cause of death.

Myself, I "will not go gently in that good night, I will rage, rage against the dying of the light" (Dylan Thomas) And I will, Eddie. I want to see every sunset, feel every morning breeze against my face, smell every fragrant flower, and hug my children and grandchildren close to my breast for as long as possible. Life is so precious and so incredibly short. I wish that you could have found that Eddie, so go peacefully into the night and find the peace in heaven that you could not find in your lifetime. You will be missed, and despite everything you tried to hide from, you were so loved.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

*The Wind Has Shaken Autumn Down*


Wind has shaken autumn down,
left it sprawling on the ground,
shawling all in gold below,
waiting -
for
the
hush
of snow.

Walking through the autumn leaves
Scattered on the ground
Seeing the kaleidoscope
Of colors all around

Listening to the trees' song
As the wind comes rustling through...
May autumn's lovely magic
bring happiness to you.

The nicest bed that I know
Isn't a bed of soft white snow.
Isn't a bed of cool green grass
After the noisy mowers pass.
Isn't a bed of yellow hay
Making me itch for half a day
But autumn leaves in a pile that high,
Deep and smelling like fall and dry.
That's the bed where I like to lie
And watch the flutters of Fall go by.

*The Mist and All*


I love the fall, the mist and all.
I like the night owl's lonely call -
And wailing sound of wind around.

I love the gray November day,
And bare, dead boughs
That coldly sway against my pane.
I love the rain.

I love to sit and laugh at it -
And tend my cozy fire a bit.
I love the fall - the mist and all.

Friday, November 04, 2005

*Finding True Peace*


Once upon a time, there was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all of the pictures, but there were only two that he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm, serene lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, for peaceful, towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a beautiful blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw the picture thought that it was the perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains also, but these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. The king looked closely, behind the waterfall he saw a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush, a mother bird had her nest. There in the midst of all of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest.

The king chose the second picture as the winner. Can you guess why? "Because", explained the king, "peace means to be in the midst of things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of true peace".

It took me many years to realize that this is true in all of our lives. Calmness, peace and serenity are there if you just look for them. It is not the prettiest picture that wins the prize.

*What Kind of Day Shall I Have Today?*


Today, I could complain about the state of my health, or I can celebrate just being alive.

Today, I could moan that it is overcast and raining, or be joyful for all that grows from the rain.

Today, I could regret all of the things that I don't have or rejoice in everything that I do.

Today, I could mourn everything that I have lost, or eagerly accept what is to come.

Today I could complain that I have to work, or celebrate having a job to go to.

Today I can resent the mess that my house is, or give thanks that I have a family.

Today, I could whine about the housework, or celebrate having a home.

Today, I could cry over those who don't care for me, or be happy loving and being loved by those who do.

I choose to have a good day today!

*Miracles Are Everywhere*


Miracles are not only ecstatic visions or holy interventions visited upon the chosen few,

Every moment that we are alive is full of reasons to sing out in joyful gratitude.

Every breath we are given is a reminder that the glory of life is at hand,

In the people we love, in the beauty of nature, in the golden sun that rises each morning - miracles are everywhere.

Its not the amount of breaths that you take in this life, it's in the things that take your breath away!

*Be Thankful*


With Thanksgiving arriving soon, there are so many things to be thankful for:

Be thankful that you don't already have everything that you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times,
it is during these times that you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes,
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you are tired and weary,
It means that you have made a difference.

It's so easy to be thankful for the good things,
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those
Who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive,
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

*If You Think..........*


If you think you are beaten, you are:
If you think that you dare not, you don't.
If you would like to win, but think that you can't,
It's almost a cinch that you won't.

If you think you will lose, you are lost,
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will;
Its all in the state of our mind.

If you think that you are outclassed, you are:
You have to think high to rise.

You have got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

LIfe's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later, the one who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.

(Walter D. Wintle)

*Acknowledge Your Enemies*


There is something positive to be gained by acknowledging one's enemies.

Like all of God's creatures, enemies do have a purpose in this world.

They offer a criticism of one's conduct (albeit unsought) that is not always provided by friends.

They also encourage self-esteem. How would we know the magnitude of our own worth without someone so worthless attacking it?

Or, as the Irish are so fond of saying "Better to know the devil that you do than the one that you don't".

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

*Getting To Know Me*


Recently many of my blogging friends have been tagging one another to post several different things about themselves that most people don't know. I have been tagged to take this challenge as well!

I was born at home in my parent's bedroom, my mother was scared to death to go to a doctor for her first confinement. I weighed 10 lbs, 13 ounces and my paternal grandmother was present at my birth. My mother had already chose my name to be Lynda Diane. She was overruled by my grandmother, who never had a girl child, and wanted me named Charlotte Diane, after her best friend.

I grew up in a small house on Simpson Street in Troy, Ohio and was literally worshiped by my paternal grandmother. I was the girl child that she had always wanted after birthing 4 sons, one of whom died. Then there was my uncle Andy, my uncle Jimmy and my dad, Stanley Eugene.

I can remember when we were small, my mother taking us fishing on the banks of the Ohio river. My mother loved to fish, us kids would sit on the banks of that river and watch her. The last time my Mom went fishing was at the age of 83 years old, while a patient at the nursing home that I worked at. In her wheelchair, with a big straw hat on, she said she had not had that much fun in years!

My birth was followed by that of my sister, Sandra Kay and my brother, Stanley Eugene, better known as Skipper - my Dad was in the marines and at sea when my brother was born. We lived in Ohio until I was 9 years old, then following my Dad to Michigan where he had obtained a job with Chrysler Corporation. The motor city had a lot more job opportunities than the small town we lived in, in Ohio.


One of the gifts that I treasured most in my life was the Christmas that I was 13, when my sweet father, on his own, went to the drugstore and bought me a set of Revlon "Queen of Diamonds" nailpolish and lipstick! It was Cunningham's drugstore and he bought it all by himself. It was bright red! My Daddy was so strict with me that I was so touched that he would pick this out and give it to me on Christmas day. I will never forget that! It was the best gift I have ever received.

I remember my first fiance asking for my hand in marriage. My dad said to him "just remember, she comes from very good stock". I miss my father so much sometimes, but I was blessed to have him as long as I did. For a gentlemen with only an 8th grade education, he was one of the most educated men I have had the pleasure to know. He taught me a great deal about life and priorities. I never did marry this guy, Richard Koch, a manager at the A & P grocery where I worked as a cashier, and he was manager of the meat department. This is the only guy that broke my heart. I wonder what he is doing with his life now?

My first job was at S.S. Kresges when I was barely 16 years old. I made cotton candy, snow cone and popcorn from my own little booth in the store. After that, I worked various jobs in banking and the legal secretary profession.


My father always wanted me to enter law enforcement and become a female police officer. At the time of my early years of employment, money was the biggest factor in the jobs I took. It was only in my later years that I realized that if you don't love what you do, all the money in the world will not make a difference.

All during my young years, I remained very close to my paternal grandmother. Every summer, after moving to Michigan, my Dad would drive me and my sister back to Ohio where I would spend the summer with my grandmother and my sister would stay with my Aunt Mary. I played most of the time with my cousins, both male and female. I can remember collecting paperdolls with my cousins Judy and Maryann! I can still smell the scent of that old store attic where I used to buy my paperdolls. Funny how we remember comforting scents. I remember walking to school as a very young girl, through the grass near the greenhouse with the fragrance of geraniums still a fond memory. Smells are so important to our memories, I will always love the fragrance of earth, geraniums and musty attics where paperdolls are kept for a young girl to purchase.

My grandmother died when I was 25 and I was literally heartbroken for years after that. Actually, my father predeceased her by 7 years dying when he was only 40. The loss of my Dad and then his mother affected me for a very long time.

I eventually became a nurse's aide because I loved caring for people. Soon I began admiring the nurses I worked with that dressed in white and wore their nursing caps. I went to my first nursing school when my 3 children were all young and became a Licensed Practical Nurse. I did that for many years - finally obtaining my RN degree at the young age of 50. I have never regretted becoming a nurse, but my second choice would have been to become a librarian. I would rather read than eat, sometimes.

I consider my greatest accomplishment in life as being the birth of my children. Each one is different, unique and as I age, they are my best friends. The greatest loss in my life was my daughter, Leslie in 2002. I doubt that I will ever get over the depth and pain of that loss. The pain literally brings you to your knees! Physical pain does not even begin to compare. To die would have been better than suffering the pain of that loss. However, over the years, I have learned to accept her death as something that God felt he needed to do.


I am glad that in my mother's final years, she and I were able to become close. We were very distant for a greater part of her life. In those later years, I became her caregiver and I think that was very important to her. The hardest decision I ever made was to have her removed from life support when her condition deteriorated. That is what she would have wanted, but it was extremely difficult.

I am not close to my siblings in my current life, there are so many unresolved issues that we could not seem to overcome. It is sad, but it is what it is. I wish them no harm, only happiness.

I would not change many things in my life, because even if there were painful times, there were also times of great joy. I believe that one learns through pain to appreciate the joy in life.

*What Is The Problem*


While watching the news this morning, I could not be more amazed about the uproar in the our senate yesterday between the Democrats and the Republicans! It is truly amusing to me that the Senate went into closed sessions to discuss the war in Iraq. The Republicans, of course, are livid that we should ever question the reason for this war. Unbelievable, there are over 2000 families of those killed in Iraq that would love to know if the loss of their son, daughter, wife or husband was worth the cost of this war in human lives.

I am glad that Democratic leader, Harry Reid stood up and said "they have repeatedly chosen to protect the Republican administration rather than get to the bottom of what happened and why". In my opinion, Mr. Reid is right on target with that statement.

With Mr. Bush's popularity falling rapidly, indictments being handed out to the White House personnel, the Republicans owe that to this country. What I cannot understand is why they become so upset and so defensive if the war is questioned? If we went to war for the right reasons, why would they not welcome an investigation? A bipartisan review is in order into the Senate Intelligence Committee's investigation into prewar intelligence.

They state that we are 'hijacking' the United States Senate by demanding that the truth be known! In my not so humble opinion, when a country as powerful as the US declares a war on a country, they better have damned good reason to do so. The cost of human lives and the billions of dollars to fund it are staggering. That is supposed to be the beauty of this country, the ability to question our government, to demand answers and to assert our right to freedom of speech.

Back in 2004, a 511 page report was submitted on flaws in Iraq intelligence assembled by the country's top analysts in 2002. A second look was promised into that report, it has not been done to date.

Mr. Reid's request for a closed session will refocus attention to the growing and continuing controversy over prewar intelligence. No weapons of mass destruction were ever found, no purchases of iranium were ever bought by Iraq from Africa, as our dear president said they had. Was intelligence twisted to promote the attack in Iraq? If it was not, what is the problem?

Our vice president's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was just indicted on 5 different counts over the leak of the identity of a CIA official married to an ambassador that investigated whether or not iranium had been purchased. That is downright nasty! Mr. Reid went on further to say " The Libby indictment provides a window into what this is really all about, how this administration manufactured and manipulated intelligence in order to sell the war in Iraq and attempted to destroy those who dared to challenge it's actions". He is right, if this administration has no fault, it will all come out in the end.

If we now live in a country where we are unable to investigate the decisions of our leaders who take us to war, we have lost many of our freedoms. Mrs. Wilson's outing as a CIA officer is one example of this, don't question your governments war choices or this could happen to you. We are close to becoming a nation of sheep with this administration and I cannot believe the people that blindly follow any decision made by this government. Thanks Mr. Reid for insisting on this investigation!