Over the past several weeks, watching all of the national news, discussing current events at work and talking to people online, I have noticed the loss of life in pictures and words, the loss of families, the loss of homes and entire lifestyles. Specifically, I think about all of the images from the recent hurricane in the Gulf and how it ripped families apart literally. Lives were changed in a heartbeat. Some losses were more brutal or grandious than others. The most visible of these images were permanent fixtures, such as homes, businesses, cars, all ripped from their owners in the blink of an eye. Some lost their children, their spouses, their parents or other loved ones. Other types of losses related to news of an illness or the failure of relationships, types of things that cause a domino effect and alter our life forever.
Loss and change can be difficult - there is no quick fix or bandaid that can be placed upon oneself to soothe the scars of desolation or destruction. At times, we are left with immense feelings of pain and confusion once something or someone is taken from us. We are unable to understand why this happened or what it means to us in terms of time, place and destination. One individual may begin to ask "why" in essence, effecting his or her relationship with God, self, or others. Some relationships fall apart while others come together. When my mother died last year, my lifelong 'family" as it were fell apart, I had to take a good look at myself and my values - I was now the head of the family unit with both parents gone. My own lifetime became shorter in my mind.
When we do lose someone or something, we often must engage in the process of re-examination of our own lives through a new pair of eyes, as our dreams are thwarted, relationships end, or we lose jobs and must move into unknown territory. It is what we do within ourselves and the process of how we move forward that provides a glimmer of insight into the way we deal with loss or change as it occurs.
I remember the immense sense of loss and failure that I experienced at the end of my first marriage. I thought that it was the most devastating event in my life. I had been lied to and betrayed by what I thought at that time was the 'center' of my existence. In retrospect, it seems so sublime compared to the losses since then. How we grow and assimilate pain and learn from it! Life's lessons seem so difficult at the time, but we learn and we grow. Often, when we lose someone or something, we ask "why" rather than "for what reason". For myself, I wonder if God is testing me, or why something happened to me, to cause so much pain. I know that one day, ultimately, I will know and understand.
I don't think there is any greater loss in this lifetime than the loss of a child of your own. Nothing prepares you for that - nothing compares to the loss. Relationships, homes, lifestyles, great jobs, absolutely everything pales in comparison. I think that when I found out that my oldest daughter had died, I was in total denial for the longest time. I could not for the life of me understand why, at the moment of her death, I did not immediately know or sense her gone? I was her mother - I should have felt excrutiating pain, something, anything to indicate she had left this earth. Why wasn't I aware at that moment? I carried her for over 9 months in my own body, I loved her unconditionally her entire lifetime. Many times, I didn't approve of her lifestyle, but that in no way affected my love for her - or my other children for that matter. I still pictured, in my mind, some type of cord, or whatever, attaching us to our children for the rest of our lives. Why didn't I know when that cord broke apart, when she left this earth. This all sounds strange, probably, but I did feel there should have been some warning. Something so that I could rescue her or save her or lessen her pain. I stayed up all night in a state of shock and I remember sitting in the early dawn of the next morning listening to birds singing, feeling the warmth of the early sun and all of a sudden, knowing within my heart, that she was finally protected and safe with God. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Nothing prepares you for that loss and you feel that it would be wonderful just to die yourself so that you would not have to experience the horrible pain of this loss. She came to me in a dream shortly after that - this was a dream like no other. She looked beautiful, she looked healthy, and she looked so happy! She was smiling so sweetly, letting me know that she was finally at peace. I have never experienced a dream like that, it must have been so hard for her to make herself known in her attempt to ease my grief, which she did.
Although, it sounds quite simplistic, it can truly be said that for every moment of loss or change it is our opportunity to grow, depending on our state of mind and willingness to go forward without regret or resentment. I remember reading at one time "all journies have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware". In times of change and loss, it is so vital that we never lose hope. We must cling to our beliefs, to have rock-solid faith, however you find it, and to use the memories of what was, to allow us to remain strong and to have learned another life lesson. What does not kill you, ultimately makes you stronger.
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