*2008* Old Age Is A Gift.....Retire Charlotte, Retire!

I officially retired at the end of 2007 and I can't begin to tell you what a difficult decision that was for me. Oh yes, I did retire back in 2003, but I kept on working as a nurse on a contingent basis. But now, in 2007 it was time to call it quits entirely. My children had been begging me to do so and I don't know why the decision was so difficult to make. Was it a loss of identity? Was being a nurse my only identity as I had done it so long? I sat and figured out income, outgo, the whole nine yards, and yes, I could retire. I would not be able to blow money as I had in the past year or so, but I could conceivably do it. Was it losing my identity as a nurse, or was it a fear of admitting old age to myself and to others? Then I thought, well what is wrong with ageing? Is it because senior citizens are thought to be no longer productive? Was it because I felt that if I wasn't working I would have no life? What was it? I had books by the dozens that I wanted to read; I had DVD's by the dozens that I wanted to watch; I wanted to scrapbook and be with my grandkids anytime I wanted..........yes, I decided, I would retire and that old age is a gift.................

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. No, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the sagging butt. And often, I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't apologize over those things for very long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray/white hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've learned to be more kind to myself, less critical of myself. I've learned that I can be alone and I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, for deciding to sit and enjoy a book all day, getting up only to eat or use the bathroom. I am so entitled to a treat, to be messy, or to be lazy and spend te day reading.

I have seen too many dear friends, even children, leave this world too soon; before they knew or understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read, or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will continue to dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 70's, 80's and 90's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love................I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the prying glances from the young and thin.

They, too, will get old someday.

I realize that I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken, and maybe I broke a few as well. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when someone's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But..........broken hearts are what teaches us compassion and understanding, and give us strength. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and loved as I have, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

Old age has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste my time worrying about what could have been, or even worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day if I feel like it.

* THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR AT CHRISTMAS*

Caller ID because telemarketers can't take the holidays off.

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I'm thankful for toast - how something so simple makes your kitchen smell so good, and with the right preserves tastes so good!
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November 4, 2007: One more hour of much needed sleep at the end of daylight savings time.

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Lower priced GPS units, for finding your way to grandma's house.

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Gas station attendants who give accurate directions at no charge.

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Beautiful fragrance, such as Dior's Diorissimo pure parfum and Serge Luten's Un Lys (breath of an angel)

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The sublime combination of grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup.

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Winter citrus (Oh, my darling Clementine oranges!)

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Irish coffee spiked with Bailey's Irish Creme Liquer!

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Thanksgiving dinner leftovers: featuring turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie.

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I'm thankful for home-cooked meals made by someone else.

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Family members who feel like friends.

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Friends who feel like family.

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Family members with four legs and fur, who meow or bark.

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Unexpected, handwritten notes and letters.

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Smart TV on DVD to get you through the holiday reruns (Little Britain and Weeds)

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Clever YouTube's finest programming!

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The new and improved lower priced Tivo, HD, which can beam TV shows and movies from the internet straight to your TV (TIVO.com $299)

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Clinique's "Black Honey" and "Black Raisin" almost lipstick.

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Old-fashioned bubble lights - instant holiday spirit.

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Board games such as Monopoly with my grandsons!

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The most over-the-top houselighting displays near you (tackylighttour.com)

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The ultimate what not-to-do primer in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

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Claxton, Georgia, the fruitcake capitol of the world, I love it.

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The beautiful music played and produced by one of my favorite artists, Yanni. It is so beautiful it makes one weep and takes you out of the bluest funk!

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The unconditional love and warmth of my fur babies! I have never doubted their love nor their loyalty. It is wonderful to wake up late one night or early in the morning and find them, each in their own spot, purring and snuggling next to Momma..

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The love and trust of my grandchildren, and especially my great-grandchild Alyssa Nicole. Her innocence has not yet been tainted by life and I so enjoy spending time with her!

*IS IT BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE?*

If you think it is better to receive than to give, do the following:

One out of 5 American children live in poverty, lacking adequate clothing, give 2 cents for each pair of socks, tights or pantyhose each child has.

Are you thankful for the blessing of electricity? Give 2 cents for each light bulb in your house.

Most of the world's population lives beyond the reach of medical care. Give 10 cents for each box of bandaids in your house. Add another dime if they're not skin colored.

Are you thankful that you have a roof and doors to keep out the wind and the rain? Give a dime for every exterior door that you house has.

Are you thankful for your clothes? Give a nickel for every closet in your house.

Are you glad that you have indoor plumbing? Give a nickel for each roll of toilet paper in your house, counting all stored away rolls.

To people in refugee camps, even a sliver of soap is precious. Give a nickel for each bar of soap in your house. Give a dime for each container of pump soap.

Think of something nice you can do for a poor family in your community and do it today. Make them some homemade bread. If you can't put a dollar aside and be exceedingly grateful for all of your blessings.

Do you walk to your town to get a bucket of water for washing, drinking, bathing and cooking? Or, are you blessed with faucets that bring precious water to you? Give a dime for each faucet.

How did you get clean today? Give a dime if you took a bath and another if you took a shower.

Most of the world is starving while American's biggest concern is being overweight. Put in a penny for each pound you think that you are overweight.

What a blessing it is to be able to see and have eye doctors. Give a nickel for each pair of glasses your family members wear and don't forget sunglasses.

Many people in the world are blind and do not have eye doctors. Give a nickel for each person in your house that wears contact lenses.

Jesus loved the little children. Give thanks and a dime for every child in your family that is healthy, well fed and loved.

How would you like to live on the streets? Give thanks for your home and a nickel for every pillow in your house, even the decorative ones.

The comfort of a clean bed is an undreamed of luxury for millions of the world's poor people. Give a nickel for each clean bed in your home.

Did a cozy blanket cover you last night? Give a penny for each blanket in your home.

Aren't you glad you have people that love and think about you? Think of all the people that are buying you gifts this Christmas and for each one under the tree give a dime.

In this country, we are truly blessed!

* IT IS THANKSGIVING, AND I AM THANKFUL FOR *

For my grandkids who are not doing dishes, but are watching TV,

Because that means that they are at home and not on the streets.

For the ridiculous taxes that I have to pay,

Because it means I am employed and able to work.

For the mess to clean after a holiday party,

Because it means I have been surrounded by friends and family.

For the clothes that no longer fit or are a little too snug,

Because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work,

Because it means I am out in the sunshine!

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and things that need fixing,

Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining that I have about the government,

Because it means that I have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot that I find at the far end of the parking lot,

Because it means that I am capable of walking and that I am blessed to have transportation.

For my large heating bill in the winter months,

Because it means that I have heat.

For the pile of laundry and ironing,

For it means that I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day,

Because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours,

Because it means that I am alive and have a reason to get up,

and finally,

Far too much e-mail,

Because it means I have friends and family who are thinking of me!

I am so truly blessed and I am thankful to God!

Happy Thanksgiving to my faithful bloggers!

*I AM THE CHILD*

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of. I see that as well. I am aware of much...whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or inpatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards.. great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable...I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine, the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities, the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go to your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependent on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

*The last paragraph says it all.....this is what my adolescent patients have taught me and I am so thankful that I was a willing learner.

*TOWARD A NEW FORGIVENESS ATTITUDE*

I once read that forgiveness could be taught, and that one of the biggest steps in the process meant becoming resistant to taking offense. I also read that this step was the most difficult part of becoming a forgiving person, but that it was possibly the most powerful. Easier said than done, I told myself. Then I thought about it recently and thought about ways one could think about not being offended, and decided I would try it. These are the steps I am going to follow to achieve that end:

*Since I am not perfect, how can I expect anyone else to be, and do I?

*Life is short and I want to waste as little of my life as possible in the discomfort caused by anger or hurt. I want to react well when things don't go the way I want. This decision allows me to forgive myself, forgive others, and even forgive life itself when necessary.

*Life comes with both positive and unpleasant experiences. Can I reasonably expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.

*Dealing with life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor and not a victim. Each hurtful situation challenges my determination to live as fully and lovingly as possible. I accept the challenge that it sends my way.

*I know it hurts when people do not forgive me. I don't want to hurt others in this way, so I will perceive the problem in a way that I can either deal with successfully, or let it go.

*Life is filled with beauty and incredible marvels. I am missing these experiences if I am stuck in the remembrance of old hurts or wounds. I forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

*People do the best they can. When they err, the best way to help them is by offering some understanding. The first step in this process is to forgive whatever constituted the specific offense.

*I understand that everyone, including me, operates primarily out of self-interest. I respect that sometimes I, in my self-interest, will be hurt by someone elses' expression of their self-interest. When I begin to understand that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? When I grasp that self-interest is my guiding priniciple, how can I not offer the forgiveness to everyone, including myself, for behaving that way?

This is my mantra and I hope it works, the hardest person to forgive has always been myself

*Please Hear What I'm Not Saying*.........

Frequent readers of my blog know that sometimes I like to come home from work and post my thoughts with regard to my patients. It is therapeutic for me, it makes me feel that I am on the right path as a nurse; it makes me realize that what I receive from my adolescent patients is more than a paycheck could ever give me. It gives me hope that this world may change and that this child may succeed in the world and that makes it all worthwhile.

Tonight, a patient by the name of Rachel, who had a very troublesome upbringing, who lived with foster parents from the time she was born until she turned 14 was told that she would be discharged to placement the following morning. Her foster parents (who were somewhat older) decided that she was going into puberty and that they did not want to bear her behavior changes, her challenges trying to enter adulthhod, everything involved with becoming a teenager. Their two 'natural' children were grown and they did not want to go through the adolescent years with Rachel.

Anyway, Rachel knew that she would be leaving in the morning and that we most likely would not see each other again. She wrote me a note telling me how much she appreciated the care given by the staff where I work. She began to cry and handed me a piece of paper with a poem that she had written:

"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying"

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear,

For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,

Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure and that all is sunny and

Unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name

And Coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please...........

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, fear and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anyone to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.

That's why I frantically try to create a mask to hide behind, a

Nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretent, to shield me

From the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation and it's the only

thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the

Barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself,

That I am really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I'm afraid that your glance

Will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will

Laugh and wound me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm not much and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my pretending game, with a facade of assurance throughout,

So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

What I'd like to be able to say, but cannot.

Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man

You meet and every woman you meet.

**I love you Rachel and I will deeply miss you. I will never forget your sweet face. I hope that life finally gives you all that you should have, for you truly deserve it.

*IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR*

The moon in the bureau mirror looks out a million miles

(and perhaps with pride, at herself, but she never, never smiles)

far and away beyond sleep, or perhaps she's a daytime sleeper.

By the Universe deserted, she'd tell it to go to hell,

And she'd find a body of water, or a mirror on which to dwell.

So wrap up care in a cobweb and drop it down the well.

Into that world inverted where left is always right,

Where shadows are really the body,

Where we stay awake all night,

Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is now deep, and you love me....

* WHAT A FRIEND IS *

Each of us has a hidden place

Somewhere deep within ourselves;

A place where we go to get away,

To think things through,

To be alone, to be ourselves.

This unique place, where we confront our deepest feelings,

Becomes a storehouse of all our hopes,

All of our needs, all of our dreams,

And even our unspoken fears.

It encompasses the essence of who we are

And what we want to be.

But now and then, whether by chance or by design,

Someone discovers a way into that place we thought was ours alone

And we allow that person to see, to feel and to share

All the reason, all of the uncertainty

And all of the emotion we've stored up there.

That person adds new perspective to our hidden realm,

Then quitly settles down in their own corner of our special place,

Where a bit of themselves will stay forever,

And we call that person a friend................

*COMES THE DAWN*

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and eyes opened,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong, and you really do have worth

And you learn and learn.........

With every goodbye comes the dawn.

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LESLIE SUSAN*

In just a few days, it will be the birthday of my first child, Leslie Susan, who would be 44 years old on March 21st, had she lived. She left this Earth on July 5, 2002 much too soon for the ones who she left behind. She was a sweet, beautiful girl and I will never stop loving and missing her. As I do always, I will release balloons to the sky from her brother, sister and myself to let her know that she will never be forgotten. I would also like to post this poem:

The Cord We are connected

My child and I,

by An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye

It’s not like the cord

That connects us “till Birth”

This cord can’t be seen

By any on Earth

This cord does its’ work

Right from the start

It binds us together

Attached to my heart

I know that it’s there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe

It can’t be destroyed

It can’t be denied

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight

And though you are gone

Though you’re not here with me

The cord is still there

But no one can see

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised… I am sore

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before

I am thankful that

God Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can’t take it away!


I will always love you sweet baby girl, but I know that you are safe in the hands of the Lord. We will be together in Heaven forever and I will again hold you in my arms. You are missed, sweet baby girl.....................

Your Mother

*The Shortest Fairy Tale Ever Told*

Once upon a time a girl asked a guy, "will you marry me?"

The guy said "no" and the girl lived happily ever after. She went shopping every day, drank martinis at sunset, she always had a clean house, she never had to cook unless she wanted to, she stayed skinny and she was never farted on.

The End.......

*Our Forms of Communication*

One reaction to the growing presence of cyberspace is to see it as a threat to the traditional human value of social, face to face exchange. Yet, this is... nothing to be alarmed about, for it is the eagerness to communicate and the desire to be heard by another that activate those fingers. The fact is that when we use computers we are having an exchange with other humans, through the machine, not 'with the machine'.

Sometimes I think that the telephone call is as earthbound as daily dialogue, while a letter is an exchange of gifts. On the telephone, you talk; in a letter you tell. There is a pace to letter writing and reading that doesn't come from the telephone company but from your own rhythm.

We live mostly in a hi-tech, reach-out-and-touch-someone modern world. Communication is an industry. It makes demands of us. We are expected to respond as quickly as computers. A voice asks a question across the ocean and we are supposed to formulate an answer to this high-speed rate of exchange.

But we can not, blessedly, 'interface' by mail. There is a leasure and emotional luxury in letter writing. There are no obvious silences to anxiously fill. There are no interruptions to brook. There are no nuances and tones of voice to distract.

Today, we are supposed to travel light, to live in the moment. The past is, we are told, excess baggage. There is no question that the phone is the tool of these times. As fine and as epheremal as a good meal.

But you cannot hold a call in your hands. You cannot put it in a bundle. You cannot show it to your family. Indeed, there is nothing to show for it. It doesn't leave a trace. Tell me how you can wrap a lifetime of phone calls in a rubber band for a summer's night when you want to remember?

*I Was.......................

I was born to catch dragons in their dens,
and to pick flowers...

And to tell tales and laugh away the morning
to drift and dream like a lazy stream

And to walk barefoot across sunshine days and beautiful sand beaches..........

*The Lighthouse Keeper*

All of my life, I have been attracted to and loved lighthouses. In my greatest fantasy, I would visit all of the lighthouses in the USA just to see them. I can't explain my fascination with them, only that I love them and they make me feel secure and safe.

What makes someone sacrifice to keep ships safe from rocks and ice to warn of dangers in the night.
What makes a Keeper of the Light?

What causes one to spend his life patrolling waters that are rife with perils to which we are blind.
What creates a man of this kind?

While I sleep safely in my bed, what drives him to keep watch instead guarding all - both rich and poor from hazards near the darkened shore?

Is he fearless, it would seem, facing facts while we all dream? And, is he ever feels a doubt. his courage casts the shadows out.

With no regard to his well-being, his light shines, enables seeing and ensuring safety from hidden fears with unflagging strength through the years.

What makes him do the unselfish deeds? What keeps him strong, what are his needs to always do what is right?
What makes a Keeper of the Light?
He shines the beacons through the dark, in solitude proclaims, "take warning" for beneath these seas danger still remains.

He guides the vessels past shifting shoals, by shallow jagged reefs with quenchless flame throughout the night to a harbor snug and deep.
He rings the bell, sounds the horn, keeps vigil through the night.
Who is the humble seasoned salt?
The Keeper of the Light?

*Goals, Not Resolutions For 2007*

I have never been one to make resolutions, lose weight, quit bad habits, etc; all those things that are so easily demolished before January is even over. I do, however, make goals after my in-depth life review and soul search.

I wish I could say that I will join a gym, exercise faithfully, but I am not going to. I will be more aware of health issues and work on those. I am going to my doctor's visits more often and taking my medication and following their advice. I worked for years and years with my goal of someday becoming a full-fledged 'couch potato' and I am finally there. I do have a flight of stairs to my condo that are climbed daily and I also consider the use of the remote control as a form of exercise. I don't follow any specific diet and cave on certain things I consider 'comfort foods' but I am not yet morbidly obese, so that's a plus.

I am now working with the adolescents at least 3 nights per week because I want to, because they give me love, they give me pleasure and I love what I do. I like to think that this is why I became a nurse and my job is rewarding and fulfilling, like no other area of nursing has been. It's nice to work at something you love because you want to, not because you have to.

I am still greatly attuned with my country and the political world. I am anxious for the next election in 2008 and will campaign religiously and passionately. It is so important, especially with the state of world events we are currently in, to elect the right people. People that will take accountability for their actions, their decisions and turn this country around. Our freedom as a country is in great jeopardy and we are losing what it took many lives to attain. People are afraid to express opinions, to dissent, fearing they will be called unpatriotic. They are afraid to question, fearing retribution and this has to stop. It is urgent because my grandchildren will inherit the decisions that this country is making now.

My inability to be a patient person, that I was going to work on at the beginning of 2006, has went by the wayside, but I will try again this year. Sometimes, I justify impatience as a good thing because impatient people get things done. But recently, my impatience has caused internal anger issues and that has to stop, it's not good for your heart really. I hope to, at least, be more tolerant of idiots this year and to recite in my head "forgive them, they know not what they do" and let it go. Kind of like a mantra, if you will.

I will continue to look at my behavior as I have always been one who wears her heart on her sleeve. I will try to appear calm, cool and collected, even when I'm not. I will take stock of what needs to be done or undone. To me, this type of inventory taking is a daily process, wherein I look at myself, and try to make changes in my behavior rather than in the other persons. Ultimately, I have the choice of whether to have a good day or a bad one, the decision is mine.

I will work on thinking before I speak, because sometime's the 'mind filter' doesn't work and things are said before thought out. I will try to express myself wisely, being motivated by a kind heart and genuine offer to be good to others. I am this way, really, I just don't think before I speak, but I mean no harm.

I will take time to think before writing words, acknowledging the power of words, and using them wisely, with integrity. Words can hurt, they can become rocks and arrows if you let them.

I will remember the commandment to 'love thy neighbor as thyself', trying not to feel superior to others, to know the meaning of humility and what it means to show kindness and compassion.

To remind myself daily how blessed I truly am, because I am.

*The Year 2006 In Review*

Due to my work, I was unable to post on my blog my feelings about the year of 2006, but, better late than never.

I have mixed emotions about 2006, and in general, think that I do better in odd-numbered years when I evaluate unhappiness and loss. My relationship with David ended, and I am a much better person for it, but I hate being deceived. Why is honesty and integrity so hard for some people? But, I am older and wiser now and find being alone is what I really am happy with. I am content, able to fill my time with hobbies, work, family and have no spare time, really. I am disappointed with friendship overall, but I have decided that I am a better friend than my friends are to me, that's just the way it is.

Thank heavens there were not more of the natural disasters that occurred in 2005. The hurricane season this year was essentially mild and with minimal damage. The sad thing is that the area affected by Katrina is still almost as bad as it was after the hurricane. Billions of dollars have been misappropriated or unaccounted for. Thousands of people were uninsured and are now homeless and jobless. It was interesting to me that recently millions of dollars was spent on the recovery of 4 climbers who attempted to climb Mt. Hood in inclimate weather knowing the risks involved. Misplaced priorities, if you ask me.

The Iraq death toll is now over 3000, this makes my heart weep. Our president has been told by the Iraq Study Group that this war is not worth the cost in lives and dollars. He responds with 'troop increases' and 'sacrifice' and has delayed, dawdled and deferred for over a month since the release of this report. Personally, I feel that Iraq will make Vietnam look like a walk in the park when all is said and done. Billions of dollars more are now needed for his 'surge and accelerate' campaign with 20,000 more troops needed
as a 'short-term measure'. This addition will just be more target practice for the insurgents, in my opinion. Mr. Bush, your judgment about Iraq - and now about 'sacrifice' is at variance with your citizen's, to the point of delusion.

I was happy that Donald Rumsfelt was finally asked to resign but then honored by the Bush Administration for his dedication to his country. There is still no decision on the CIA leak and no one brought to justice over that incident, although Scooter Libby has been endicted.

Several passings in 2006 were noted. The Godfather of soul, James Brown, died on Christmas Day and he will be missed. One of a kind. I loved his funeral though; it was a celebration with all of his friends and family singing, dancing, eulogizing, he would have loved it and it was so fitting. My friends who know that I am a diehard Democrat will be surprised when I say I was so sad at the passing of Gerald R. Ford. Gerald Ford was a politician like no other. His greatest aspiration was to be Speaker of the House, and he wound up President. He came into office with a plateful of problems and a wounded nation due to Vietnam and Watergate, but he turned this around with integrity and honesty. He made the White House a place where secrets didn't live as they had in the Nixon administration and today in the Bush administration. He pardoned Richard Nixon even though it was unpopular and destroyed any chance at re-election so that this country could heal. Only now are people realizing what a well-thought decision that was. He was a man of great vision and fairness. He once said that he was a Ford, not a Lincoln. Mr. President, you sell yourself short because you were better than a Lincoln, you were a Lexus and history will be kind to you.

OJ Simpson tried to publish a book this year titled "If I Did It" but due to bad press and outrage by the public, it was canceled. I cannot believe this man, but he is so self-absorbed and narcissistic that he can't go without public adoration for any length of time, and he has. I feel deeply sorry for his children, what they must have to live with. I grieve for the parents of both Nicole and Ron and what this has done by reopening old wounds. Mr. Simpson will answer for his crimes, just not in this life.

Saddam Hussein was executed shortly after he was proven guilty by his own people. Some people danced in the streets and celebrated. Saddam is only the tip of the iceberg and was an old man with dementia. Yes, he was evil, but there are many who will follow. Is our country safer now? There are already protests about how his death was handled. Somehow, Osama Bin Laden hasn't been mentioned for quite some time. Are we still looking for him, or has our 'mission' been 'accomplished' as our president would say. The Middle East has become a much more dangerous area than anyone ever thought it would be. I am very fearful of my children's and grandchildren's future with regard to the Middle East.

I am still working on 'staying in the moment' being able to relish, cherish and live each day as it comes in the best way possible. I am to soon become a great-grandmother and I am so looking forward to that. I will look back on 2006 as a bittersweet year, but one of redemption and freedom, a realization of what my priorities are and what makes me a better person, again without regret, say goodbye and let it go.

I am confident that it is God's will that 2007 will bring about union rather than division in this country, and hopefully peace in other parts of the world.

*Quilt Of Holes*

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of wordly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles."

Each point of life in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!


*Anonymously written but sent to me so that I could share this with someone I love, care about or even someone who needs Jesus in their heart. I would like to remember Jesus is the reason for the season - Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.

*INTERNET RELATIONSHIPS: Do They Make Friendship Possible?*

Over the past 10 years or so, I have had the occasion to meet people, both men and women, through the click of the mouse. Cyber-space has opened an entire universe to me, transecting both time, place and space. Some connections have been through chat rooms, various subjects including music, politics, fragrances, and books.

But, who are these people who I meet in this impers0nal forum and what, if any true meaning and relationship do they have and give to our lives? Do some of us feel more comfortable behind a compuer screen where we can be who we want, say whatever we feel (uncensored at times) and allow others to think about us in a way that may not be accurate in the real world? How often do we hear others say that they are there for us, and within a few weeks, maybe even days, their words dissolve like alka seltzer in water, and we do not even hear from them again? Are others reactors (i.e. people who only say, I am sending you thoughts and prayers), does this mean that they really care about us, would take the time to be there if necessary, or just want to look good on the computer screen for others to see?

Sometimes it seems as if we give those individuals whom we meet on the internet more value and excuse them more often if they do not meet our expectations, than those individuals who are a part of our real, non-cyber lives. Sitting behind the veil of a screen reminds me, in a way, of the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. We imagine grandiosely, when in reality, there may sit someone who, like everyone else, is timid, shy and maybe a cut below average.

I remember back in 2002 when I found that my oldest daughter had passed away. I came home with my then husband and was at a loss for what to do with myself. My then husband, of course, had no difficulty just going to bed and sleeping. I couldn't do that, I couldn't function, I couldn't move, I didn't know what to do. I turned on my computer and began journaling my thoughts, my anguish and my pain on one of my nursing message boards. It was the middle of the night and I thought no one would even notice. The next morning my email was flooded with my cyber nurse friends love and concern. It literally made me sob. This wasn't just published on the nursing board, this flood of email was sent to me personally and the thoughts were so kind and caring. My cyber friends overwhelmed me with their kindness and yes, their love.

Pain and loss are the great equalizers, and it is often the case that during these times, we know truly who our friends are, and who are those who say the are, but are not. That being said, there have been individuals whom I have met through the internet who have been genuinely concerned, caring and even loving in so many ways. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every human being with whom we interact is created in God's image, and therefore, is as valuable as we are ourselves.

What have I learned from this experience, and where does it leave me in terms of the conclusions that are reached about relationships on the internet vs. those outside of cyber-space? For one thing, I am much more appreciative of the real friends that I have. Flaws and all, you are grand, and when you say you care, you mean it. When you say you pray, you do it, and when you say you are there for me, I can literally feel your hearts beat......

*A House Is More Than Just Mortar and Bricks*

The other evening I was watching one of my programs on television about a family that found themselves in financial difficulties after the patriarch father died. They were talking of selling their vacation home that the 5 children were raised in to get out of debt. I sat thinking to myself "sell it, it's just a house".
Somehow they all wound up at that vacation home not knowing they all had planned to congegrate with their significant others for a weekend.

After each couple had arrived separately, they began to reminisce about the good times that they had memories of while growing up in that house. This immediately brought a tear of warm remembrance to my eyes as I reflected back to the house that I raised my children in. My first husband and I lived there for over 20 years when we both went our separate ways. I began to remember warm thought after warm thought about that house and realized how many wonderful memories probably still live there.

My husband and I drove by that house night after night when we decided to buy it. We thought that it was way over our budget but we just had to have it and couldn't wait for the other people living there to move. We loved the fact that it had a beautiful, big weeping willow tree in the backyard and a warm, inviting brick fireplace in the living room. Over the years, the weeping willow became a burden to trim weekly and cured us of the need for that tree. The fireplace lost heat terribly when you opened the flue to burn logs, but we didn't even consider that at the time.

I was pregnant and left that house to have my children and bring them home to raise them, school them, and eventually let them go when they reached maturity. I decorated that house many times over trying to be the Martha Stewart of my day. My children walked their first steps, talked their first words and grew up too fast in that house. My oldest daughter, Leslie, painted a blue line on the sidewalk so that her brother could have a 'finish line' when he was 'driving' his Hot Wheels. She got in trouble for that, but was quickly forgiven because she did it for her brother. That blue paint line remains on that sidewalk to this day. Years of weather and erosion could never erase it.

We had so many holiday dinners and partys in that house that they became a tradition that my children carry on to this day. I have such wonderful memories of friends and family who have long ago passed but came to those holiday celebrations each and every year. Even though there were marital fights that I thought may have harmed my children's psyches, they didn't, because my children grew up to be warm, loving adults with their own families and they still drive by that house every chance they get.

We raised a host of pets in that house and I can remember them all. Many meals were cooked, families gathered, I gardened, sewed, and made it a family home that I will always treasure in my heart. That house was more than mortar and bricks, it was a warm family home where children prospered and grew into fine adults. I still miss the smiles and talk, the happy laughs which still echo above the lonely sighs. Whether leaves are green in springtime or snow lays lightly on the ground, that old house still holds the memories of all our family sounds.

*In The Land of Sandra Dee*

Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
or the dawn of Camelot,

There lived a race of innocents,
and they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
and Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in his heaven,
In The Land of Sandra Dee.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming
All the way from Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
and no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin'",
and sang to "Stagger Lee"
and cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rockie-Rambo Twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard,
But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never heard of Microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
And they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
and "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left,
At the bottom of the bag.

Buicks came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In The Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with flouride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In The Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches,
No Perriere to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle aged was thirty five,
And old was forty three,
And ancient was our parents,
In The Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
to join AARP,
We've come a long way baby,
From The Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
Of the way it used to be
Long ago and far way
In The Land of Sandra Dee.


*I don't know the author, but this brings back so many wonderful memories!

*Me, Myself and I: What I Like Least and Best About Myself*

Each one of us has our own definite, unique blueprint of who we are, what we have to give to ourselves, our family, our people and to the world. A canopy, if you will, of our strengths and weaknesses surrounds us all, at any given time. Many of us have talents, assets that make them truly a wonderful human being. Actually, it may be a truism to say that each one of us, in some small way or other, is able to make a difference to ourselves and others.

I am considered a very strong woman by the people I know but at any given moment, I could easily fall to my knees when it comes to concern for my children and my grandchildren. I would literally give my life for them. They are my highest priority. I used to worry myself sick about their welfare, their upbringing, their health, their values, that is until I learned to turn it over to God. God and I have done a very good job with these children, if I do say so myself. No, I have over the years learned to not worry. Worrying to me, anyway, shows that I have no faith in my God. Let go and let God. I have banished worry from my life and I am a much better person for it. It is wasted energy on the part of we human beings. Worry causes fear, lack of trust in your savior, and interferes with our own ability to be independent human beings. So in my eternal self-evaluation, I have banished worry to a higher being. This has become a trait that I admire in myself, this banishment of worry..

One other thing that I like about myself is my extreme sense of loyalty to friends and others. If I care about someone, sincerely, I would be there for them no matter what. I treat my friends with a good heart and let them know how much I love and care about them.

I must now work on my extreme lack of patience with everything. I admit it, I am the most impatient person I know, have been most of my life, being a type A personality. I do things myself, rather than waiting for other people to do them, not because I am kind, but because I am impatient. I just spent a night in the hospital with what my doctor thought could possibly be a heart attack. I went to the Emergency Room with all the bells and whistles of an ambulance, a call to 911. I was released after much testing and blood taking, as well as upsetting my children. It wasn't a heart attack, but it very well could have been. Now I must reconsider my priorities once again. I have attacked and banished the worry monster and now I have to work on the impatient one.

So here is the question posed to my blog readers: What do you like least and best about yourself?

*Where Is America Headed?*

I guess I must stop watching or listening to the news, because every day I hear and see statistics that keep me awake at night and make me fearful of America's future.

I heard that this year, America is facing the largest deficit in the entire history of our nation. The entire history, I find this amazing that we could be so much in debt, the richest country in the world? We certainly have greatly over-extended ourselves in Iraq, no only monetarily but in the loss of lives, both American and citizens of Iraq. The devastation from Katrina plagues our country to this day. When you couple this with rising gas prices, the dependence on oil from other countries, and now the threat of nuclear weapons being developed in both Iran and North Korea, we are in very difficult times. I think that the current Foley scandal is minimal in comparison, but it is certainly an issue that must be dealt with as well. I believe, truly, that all of these issues speak to a greater conclusion that currently exists in this country: America has a failure of leadership. This is, of course, my opinion, but when I look at the overall picture of where we have gone, the fact that we continue to fight a war that is not really ours, and have a Secretary of Defense, Mr. Rumsfeld, who refuses to budge, and a President that continues to back him, it is a reality.

I worry about the future of our country and feel that we are headed down a river of no return.

*Using The Cloak Of Addiction As An Excuse?*

As I was watching CNN last night, I had to shake my head in disgust at the current tactics that are evolving out of Washington.

It is no secret by now that the Republican, Mark Foley, of Florida has resigned from Congress. Apparently he was sending some suggestive emails to house pages over the course of his tenure in the House of Representatives. Some emails were extremely suggestive, at best. Among rumors about his sexual proclivities, was the possible misuse of his power to lure young men towards him forcing Mr. Foley to resign his position.

Personally, I could care less what his sexual preferences are, this not need to be used to approve or disapprove of who he is as a person. The larger issue, for me anyway, is whether or not he did, in fact, misuse his position and power to have access to young gentlemen? Also, who knew what about this, and when? It has been suggested that Speaker of the House, Mr. Haster actually had knowledge of Mr. Foley's actions as much as a year ago; but that this information was not made known. I would also bet that it was covered up by the Republican party. Knowing that some one is guilty of what is essentially, pedophilia, and doing nothing about it makes the person who knows just as guilty, in my opinion. This does constitute a problem for the Republican party and anyone who knew of Mr. Foley's 'problem' and failed to report it.

Moreover, I learned last night as well that Mr. Foley had checked himself into a center for alcoholic rehabilitation. His attorney even announced that Mr. Foley is indeed, an alcoholic. This piece of information came as a surprise to many people that are close to the congressman, who conclude that alcohol did not seem to be a problem for him.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are considered a disease. They are conditions which become obsessions of the mind and disorders of the body. Millions of people suffer from it, and those who are addicted, wreck much havoc to their families and the people around them. One remembers the recent 'rehabilitation' of Rush Limbaugh from his addiction to pain pills, right? I also remember one of the Kennedy's going into rehab after running into another car, which he didn't remember doing. What I have a problem with is anyone claiming addiction for the sole purpose of justifying an undesirable behavior. I find that very disturbing.

I wonder if there isn't a cover-up in Washington as to whether or not the Speaker of the House, Mr. Haster, or any other Republicans, for that matter, who knew about Mr. Foley's misuse of power? Is the claim of being an alcoholic now being used as a tactical advantage to justify bad behavior for the rich and powerful in Washington? What a shame......................

*What To Count*

Do not count how many years you have spent,
Just count the good things you have done;
The time you have lent a helping hand, and
The friends that you have won.

Count your deeds of kindness,
The smiles, not the tears;
Count all of the pleasures that you have had
But never count the years....................

*Autumn and October*

Today, as I was changing my fragrance wardrobe, putting away my summer fragrances and adding my rich, beautiful fall fragrances, I began to think of October:


October is a gypsy queen
In dress of red and gold
She sleeps beneath the silver moon
When nights are crisp and cold.

The meadows flame with color now
which once were cool and green
Wild asters and the goldenrod
Bow low to greet their queen.

When she is tripping through the wood
with song so clear and sweet,
The autumn leaves come sifting down
and rustle beneath her feet

*A Woman Of My Age........*

They say........

A woman of my age should not let her hair
Fall below the marks of her shoulder.
It will bring her face down
And make her look older

Further more, a woman of my age
Should not wear blouses without sleeves
Because the upper arms
Are not what they used to be

A woman of my age
Should keep her skirts hem line at the knee
Because as you age
There are some things that folk's should not see

A woman of my age
Should wear sensible shoes
Because of corns and bunions
It is the best thing to do.

But I say.....

A woman of my age
Should let her hair grow.
When it gets too long
I think that she will know

A woman of my age
Should wear tank tops when it is hot
Whether she can lift fifty pounds.
Or not.

A woman of my age
Knows personally best
The length at which
Her hem lines need rest.

A woman of my age
How I hate the way it sounds.
We listen to the media
And in it's images we drown.

A woman of my age
Is secure and finally sure of herself.
She doesn't long to be nineteen
But she is not ready to be put on the shelf.

A woman of my age
Should not wear tube tobs
On that point, I agree
But that is where it all stops........

*The Courage To Be Myself*

I have the courage to:

*Embrace my strengths
*Get excited about life
*Enjoy giving and receiving love
*Face and transform my fears
*Ask for help and support when I need it
*Spring free of the superwoman trap
*Trust myself
*Make my own decisions and choices
*Befriend myself
*Complete unfinished business
*Realize that I have emotional and practical rights
*Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my cats
*Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
*Honor and respect my own needs
*Give myself credit for my accomplishments
*Still love the little girl within me
*Overcome my lifelong addiction to approval
*Grant myself permission to relax and to play
*Quit being the all-time responsibility sponge
*Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
*Nurture and care for others because I want to, not because I have to
*Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
*Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
*Say "yes" only when I really mean it
*Have realistic expectations of myself and others
*Take risks and accept change
*Be totally honest with myself
*Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
*Respect my vulnerabilities and accept them
*Heal old and current wounds
*Wave goodbye to guilt
*Plant 'flower' not 'weed' thoughts in my mind
*Treat myself with total respect and teach others to do the same
*Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow
*Own my own excellence
*Plan for the future, but live in the present
*Value my intuition and my wisdom
*Know that I am lovable
*Celebrate the differences between men and women
*Develop healthy, supportive relationships finally
*Make forgiveness a priority
*Accept myself just as I am now