A co-worker and myself were having a discussion the other day about marriage and when I told her that I was going through my current divorce, she said, "Wow, you must really be hard to live with". I looked at her and responded, "No, I just made a few wrong choices in partners". I then began to think to myself about the perception of people that have been married more than once as well as the perception of single women living alone who prefer it that way.
I must say that I entered each of my three marriages with the best of intentions; to live happily ever after, to be faithful and honest with each other, and above all else, to trust. I would have probably been shocked if I had known at a young age that I would go through three divorces! I would have said to myself, "No way, marriage is forever", because this is how I was raised. My own parents stuck it out even though their marriage was not a good one If my father had not passed away at an early age,they would probably still be married. Would this be considered a happy marriage? Not on my terms, but I didn't know it then. My parents fought like cats and dogs, but when you are young you don't understand that. Today 50% of all marriages fail. I admit that I tried to buck the odds with my second and third marriages, but I became part of the 50% failure again. I am not unhappy because of this because I have learned to be alone, to like my own company, and to survive quite well on my own. It is a myth that single women are sad, lonely and financially troubled. Actually, despite some very real hardships, they've never been happier.
Do they become lonely? Of course they do, but it is much lonelier to be in a relationship where you feel lonely. That is a sad state, believe me. Are they sad now and then? Sure, aren't we all? Do they occasionally lose sleep worrying about the future? Yes, and with good reason: being a single older woman comes with it's own economic challenges. But that doesn't stop the majority from believing that middlelife offers an opportunity for growth, for instance, doing something you always wanted to do. In reality, many of my single friends and myself are living lives of secret contentment.
We are not desperate to find a mate, open to a nice relationship, maybe; but obsessed with finding a partner, not on your life. I know I have reached a point in my life where I am more mature, more secure and more content. I don't have to be out and about seeking attention like some younger single women do - and I did the same as a younger single women. I like myself for who I have become. Lord knows I worked hard enough emotionally to get here. It was a hard road of disappointments and severe emotional pain to become confident, self-assured and proud of who I am now in my later years. Is this the wisdom that comes with old age, is it maturity and finally growing up? I don't know, but I am happy that I have finally arrived. I don't feel the need to have someone 'complete me' as Jerry McGuire said. I am complete and do not feel the need begin a search for another man. A relationship would be nice, but no more marriages.
In all reality, I would be very reluctant to even contemplate another marriage. I expect so much from a marriage. Those same old things I was looking for when I was young: eternal love, faithfullness and truth and devotion to each other. I most likely would pick the wrong person again. Am I hard to live with? I don't really think so, I just make bad choices every now and then.
1 comment:
I accidentally came across your post and thought it was interesting. You certaintly are a brave woman and congratulate you for your honesty.
As a single male in San Francisco and having a long distance relationship with a woman who is also a RN, I thought about what you said. We have been together for about 5 years now but marriage to me is quite scary. I feel I am quite happy also being alone at times but many people fail to distinguish between being alone and just being a loner, for example. Many people who are alone for whatever reason think marriage is the solution without thinking its wiser to just be in a relationship. I dont know. I will think about your post. Regards, Dennis.
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