*In Memory of My Daughter, Leslie*

Thursday, March 02, 2006

*In Memory of My Daughter, Leslie*
On March 21st, my oldest daughter would have been celebrating her birthday, only she is not here to do so. She passed away on July 5, 2002. Every year on her birthday, my younger daughter and I stand on my balcony and release balloons in the air, watching them fly high in the sky towards heaven. We do this not only to help ourselves, but we miss her and want her to know that we remember. She was cremated per her wishes so there is no grave to visit. I don't have a problem with that at all. I want to be cremated as well. I also have never been fond of funerals and funeral homes. I personally feel that people should be loved and cherished and given flowers and praise while they are alive. I also believe that the spirit that has left the body for whereever it travels to was only the receptacle and is where the spirit lived. I think that maybe funerals give a sense of closure to families. I just don't like remembering that person laying in a casket at a overly- priced funeral home. We as a family arranged for a memorial service for her. For one to say that the service was beautiful might sound funny to the average person, but it wasn't too me and it wasn't to the over 100 people who attended and Leslie would have approved. We had gorgeous lit candles, we played all of her favorite music from a CD my son had recorded. We had her pictures everywhere. Her friends loved looking at all of those pictures, some which they had never seen. Anyone was the allowed to give a thought or a prayer, or a speech, of who Leslie was and I think that was very cleansing to their souls, as well. All in all, it a was touching, loving and thoughtful way to deal with her loss. She would have been amazed at the number of people that came. She used to feel lonely and unloved many times. Every person there spoke of what a wonderful impact she had made on their lives. People need to know this, while they are alive. I would rather have the memories of the memorial service, than one of a funeral home. The only thing it didn't provide me with was my own personal closure, as her mother, and as her friend. So, here I am 4 years later now dealing with my own grief; grief that I postponed for all this time. I don't know why I postponed it for so long, maybe it was because I felt that if I tapped into it and dealt with it, my heart and soul would be critically damaged and I would never return from that dark place of grief and pain. I have heard that delaying grief is not the best thing for one to do, because when you do deal with it, it will be much harder, and it is . Avoidance was my only way of coping, but now I have decided to deal with it. I make scrapbooks for people that I love. Now, I am making a memorial scrapbook for Leslie. I want it to be positive, thoughtful and full of the wonderful person she was, but, I will take my time, I want it to be a tribute to my daughter, to her life and to the wonderful person that she was. I must go now, Les, I have to get started on your tribute.