Wednesday, June 25, 2008

*HOW DO YOU LOVE?* by Collective Soul


"How Do You Love?"
There once was love thrown into your room
But you never knew
A calendar of days just for you
But you never knew, never knew no
And the truth that you'll find will always be
The truth you hide
So how do you love, how do you love
When your angels can't sing, and your world is still
Lacking of me
There once were eyes that only saw you
But you never knew
A portrait of a flower in full bloom
But you never knew, never knew no
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear
This space where you've been living
Has gifts you've never given
That's the face you always show
Ask me for words of wisdom
Tell me of your condition
I don't know,
I don't
I don't know
And the truth that you'll find will always be
The truth you hide

*FORGIVENESS* by Collective Soul


"Forgiveness"
In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn't come quite yet
And with one accord
I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more
It used to be all I'd want to learn
Was wisdom trust and truth
But now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you
As my seasons change
I've now grown to know
When one's heart creates, one's soul doesn't owe So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love's display

*MAYBE* by Collective Soul......


"Maybe"
The sky now divides
To bring you back into the fold
Welcome home
Still my need to recognize
Any comfort you may show
Only grows
Guess I'll learn to accommodate
While my heart just sits and waits
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now
Where am I to take refuge
When the storms of pain release
Shelter me
This blessedness of life
Sometimes brings me to my knees I call on thee
I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now
I know hearts are weeping
While your voice is now singing
On high, angel on high

*SHE SAID* by Collective Soul


She said that time is unfair
To a woman her age
Now that wisdom has come
Everything else fades
She said she realizes
She's seen her better days
She said she can't look back
To her days of youth
What she thought were lies
She later found was truth
She said her daddy had dreams
But he drank them away
And her mother's to blame
For the way she is today
Life's river shall rise
She Said
And only the strong shall survive
She Said
But I'm feeling quite weak
She Said
Will you comfort and forgive me
She Said
She said she's still searching
For salvation's light
She said she wishes all day
And she prays all night
She said she won't speak of love
Because love she's never known
She said it's moments like these
She hates to be alone
Forgive me
She Said
Forgive me
She Said

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

*ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION* Sometimes less is more.....


There comes a time in everyone's life when they must reevaluate things. For some it is their career path or material possessions. For others, it is their choice in friends or bonds with family. For me, this past year, it has been a little of everything.
I have spent a better part of the past year taking a very close look at many aspects of my life and deciding to listen to my inner voice of what is important and really "necessary". Sometimes it was a faint whisper, but at other times the voice was screaming, yearning to be heard. It is hard sometimes not to listen to others, and to listen to your true inner voice. It is definitely not the easier road to follow your heart and listen to that voice, but sooner or later it is the road we all learn to take.
Everything we see on television or in magazines leads us to believe that the more we have, the happier we will be. We see pictures of cars, jewelry, beautiful people having a great time, great homes, great lives, and that is supposed to make us believe that we should buy whatever it is that they are selling. We buy things to fill our souls even if it is emptying our wallets. We keep friends around to keep us company because sometimes it is easier to be in a crowded room than it is to sit alone, even if, while in the crowd, we still feel lonely. We do whatever we are "supposed to" and what is expected of us. We do what is easy. We are taught that it is better to be skinnier, richer of busier than we can or want to be.
Eventually, something happened to me.
I got tired.
I got tired of living up to other people's perceptions of what is right and what is good. I started to add things up mentally in my mind, a certain kind of "life math", if you will. I had never done that before. I started to think about money, friends, commitments, work and more. It seemed the more I tried to do, the less time I had for myself. I tried to work, have a social life, a love life, and still do the daily chores I needed to "keep up". I tried to ignore that I needed to take care of myself. At the end of the day there was no time left for me or the simple things I enjoyed. The time and energy it took just to keep up with everything and everyone else was becoming not worth it. I began to realize that the more I "subtracted" from my life, the more I actually "added" to it. I am proud to say that the more I found ways to simplify, the happier I was, and am. I now spend my time only keeping in touch with friends who keep in touch with me. The less friends I have, the happier I have become because I am able to truly focus on the relationships that matter and the people that support me. I have learned to pick and choose 1 or 2 outings a week. I have learned to schedule a time to just relax because that is just as important as anything else to leading a full life.
In the past, I worked incredible amounts of overtime to find the money to buy things I did not need, extra clothes, makeup or other material things. I was running myself ragged and didn't want to notice that my health, emotional and physical, was suffering. What was my time and energy worth? Why was I working for these things, that in the end, do not matter. My time is much better spent on things my heart wants to do like read, write, open my artistic self by crocheting, painting my altered art, scrapbooking, watching my vast selection of DVDs, listening to my music, playing with my cats, etc. I was making a nice living, but was I living a nice life?
Now, I spend my whole day trying to decide what I want to do first. I watch the morning news, being a news junkie, I plan my day, then I get dressed. I have then to decide whether it will be a day to read, a day to enjoy my movies, a day to indulge my artistic side in crocheting, making altered art, painting or scrapbooking, sailing the internet, doing a few chores and just relaxing and watching my favorite television programs. There truly are not enough hours in the day to do everything I enjoy. It is so important to enjoy the simple things you like. If your heart and soul aren't happy and healthy, then your body will not be healthy either. I have genuinely felt better the less stress I have in my life. I am happy, I am content; there is no doubt there is a connection.
I know that if the laundry doesn't get done one day, the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded, it is okay. No one is keeping score if your bed is made or your socks match. I have learned that no one really cares how expensive your outfit is, or even if it was bought "this season". There are no extra points in heaven for how clean your house is. The only reward at the end of the day is how happy you are and I am much happier with less............

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

*SCENTS & SENSABILITIES* Part Two or Andy Warhol


To continue with my love of fragrance, below is directly quoted from the wonderful Andy Warhol's thoughts on scent and fragrance.
"Another way to take up space is with perfume. I really love wearing perfume. I'm not exactly a snob about the bottle a cologne comes in, but I am impressed with a good-looking presentation. It gives you confidence when you're picking up a well-designed bottle.People have told me that the lighter your skin, the lighter the color perfume you should use. And vice-versa. But I can't limit myself to one range. (Besides, I'm sure hormones have a lot to do with how a perfume smells on your skin--I'm sure the right hormones can make Chanel No. 5 smell very butch.)I switch perfumes all the time. If I've been wearing one perfume for three months, I force myself to give it up, even if I still feel like wearing it, so whenever I smell it again it will always remind me of those three months. I never go back to wearing it again; it becomes part of my permanent smell collection.Sometimes at parties I slip away to the bathroom just to see what colognes they've got. I never look at anything else--I don't snoop--but I 'm compulsive about seeing if there's some obscure perfume I haven't tried yet, or a good old favorite I haven't smelled in a long time. If I see something interesting, I can't stop myself from pouring it on. But then for the rest of the evening, I'm paranoid that the host or hostess will get a whiff of me and notice that I smell like somebody-they-know.Of the five senses, smell has the closest thing to the full power of the past. Smell really is transporting. Seeing, hearing, touching, tasting are just not as powerful as smelling if you want your whole being to go back for a second to something. Usually I don't want to, but by having smells stopped up in bottles, I can be in control and can only smell the smells I want to, when I want to, to get the memories I'm in the mood to have. Just for a second. The good thing about a smell-memory is that the feeling of being transported stops the instant you stop smelling, so there are no aftereffects. It's a neat way to reminisce.My collection of semi-used perfumes is very big by now, although I didn't start wearing lots of them until the early 60's. Before that the smells in my life were just whatever happened to hit my nose by chance. But then I realized I had to have a kind of smell museum so certain smells wouldn't get lost forever. I loved the way the lobby of the Paramount Theater on Broadway used to smell. I would close my eyes and breathe deep whenever I was in it. Then they tore it down. I can look all I want at a picture of that lobby, but so what? I can't ever smell it again. Sometimes I picture a botany book in the future saying something like, "The lilac is now extinct. Its fragrance is thought to have been simliar to--?" and then what can they say? Maybe they'll be able to give it as a chemical formula. Maybe they already can.I used to be afraid I would eventually run through and use up all the good colognes and there'd be nothing left but things like "Grape" and "Musk." But now I've been to the profumerias of Europe and seen all the colognes and perfumes they have there, I don't worry any more.I get very excited when I read advertisements for perfume in the fashion magazines that were published in the 30's and 40's. I try to imagine from their names what they smelled like and I go crazy because I want to smell them all so much:Guerlain's: "Sous le Vent"Lucien Le Long's: "Jabot," "Gardenia," "Mon Image," "Opening Night"Price Matchabelli's: "Princess of Wales," in memory of AlexandraCiro's: "Surrender," "Reflexions"Lentheric's: "A Bientot," "Shanghai," "Gardenia de Tahiti"Worth's: "Imprudence"Marcel Rochas': "Avenue Matignon," "Air Jeune"D'Orsay's: "Trophee," "Le Dandy," "Toujours Fidele," "Belle de Jour"Coty's: "A Suma," "La Fougeraie au Crepuscule" (Fernery at Twilight)Corday's: "Tzigane," "Posession," "Orchidee Bleue," "Voyage a Paris"Chanel's: brisk "Cuir de Russie" (Russian Leather); romantic "Glamour"; melting "Jasmine"; tender "Gardenia"Molinelle's: "Venez Voir"Houbigant's: "Countryclub," "Demi-Jour" (Twilight)Bonwit Teller's: "721"Helena Rubinstein's: "Town," "Country"Weil's: Eau de Cologne "Carbonique"Kathleen Mary Quinlan's "Rhythm"Lengyel's (pronounced "len-jel"): "Imperiale Russe"Chevalier Garde's: "H.R.R.," "Fleur de Perse," Roi de Rome"Saravel's: "White Christmas"When I'm walking around New York I'm always aware of the smells around me: the rubber ats in office buildings; upholstered seats in movie theaters; pizza; Orange Julius; espresso-garlic-oregano; burgers; dry cotton tee-shirts; neighborhood grocery stores; chic grocery stores; the hot dogs and sauerkraut carts; harware store smell; stationery store smell; souvlaki; the leather and rugs at Dunhill; Mark Cross, Gucci; the Moroccan-tanned leather on the streetracks; new magazines, back-issue magazines; typewriter stores; Chinese import stores (the mildew from the freighter); India import stores; Japanese import stores; record stores; health food stores; soda-foundation drugstores; cut-rate drugstores; barber shops; beauty parlors; delicatessens; lumber yards; the wood chairs and tables in the N.Y. Public Library; the donuts, pretzels, gum and grape soda in the subways; kitchen appliance departments; photo labs; shoe stores; bicycle stores; the paper and printing inks in Scribner's, Brentano's, Doubleday's, Rizzoli, Marboror, Bookmasters, Barnes and Noble; shoe-shine stands; grease-batter; hair pomade; the good cheap candy smell in the front of Woolworth's and the dry-goods smell in the back; the horses by the Plaza Hotel; bus and truck exhaust; architects' blueprints; cumin, fenugreek, soy sauce, cinnamon; fried platanos; the train tracks in Grand Central Station; the banana smell of dry cleaners; exhausts from apartment house laundry rooms; East Side bars (creams); West Side Bars (sweat); newspaper stands; record stores; fruit stands in all the different seasons--strawberry, watermelon, plum, pleach, kiwi, cherry, Concord grape, tangerine, murcot, pineapple, apple--and I love the way the smell of each fruit gets into the rough wood of the cratees and into the tissue-paper wrappings."
_____________________________________Warhol, Andy. Andy Warhol The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back Again). Orlando, Florida: Harcourt, Inc., 1975, pp. 150-153.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

*SCENTS & SENSABILITIES*


People that know me well know that my favorite addiction is my love of fragrance, or 'scents' if you will. I maintain at least 100 bottles or more at a time and cherish each one of them. I belong to several online boards where all we discuss is fragrance, or our love of scent. We consider it a true gift to be able to detect the right notes in fragrance and appreciate our olfactory sense more than any other.
Recently on one of the threads we discussed our favorite smells, not only perfume interests us. I love how my friends describe the scents they love and appreciate. Without naming anyone, I am going to list some of the scents that we all love and appreciate:
Tobacco curing in the barns in the fall...
Catalpa trees in bloom, and why has no one used that bloom in perfume?
The original Coppertone lotion, the smell of summer and the beach...
The smell of jet exhaust mixed with the brewing coffee in the forward cabin of an aircraft. This is especially loved by those who travel and is so calming when one is boarding a plane.
Certain hotels (especially if they have a pool). The mixture of chlorine with the 'standard issue' smell a hotel environment gives off. This creates a sense of 'crispness' in one.....
Department stores. The smell of new merchandise mixed with the environment in general of the store is captivating. Stores such as Lord & Taylor or Marshall Field's store in New York City. This could be related to the fact that the makeup/skincare/fragrance counters are near the entry points in these stores, making a good impression on a hot and humid day. You can detect the smell better than because it is amplified with the air conditioning.
Libraries, old paper, new paper, so many books, such richness! No place smells as good as the library.
From long ago, freshly inked paper from the old ditto machines, those slick white pages with the purple writing. Takes one immediately back to childhood...
The fresh smell of country roads on a summer evening.
The smell when it first starts raining in spring, summer or fall in New Orleans. Sitting out on the covered deck when one has lit a fresh cigar and sips good wine. In early spring the rain would gently type upon the roses and tea olive trees in bloom. Many of these roses wer heavily fragranced old rose varieties such as Souvenier de Malmaison. One enjoyed the smells of soft rain, palm trees, osmanthus, various herbs and mint, roses and fresh tobacco. In winter, one could smell the smoky bald cypress tree scent. The air around New Orleans wasn't brisk and salty as sea air but there was a slight wafting of oceanic salt air off Lake Ponchartrain. In the background there was a soft smell from wet Spanish moss........
The smell of walking into an indoor swimming pool environment, clean chlorine.
The smell of the air before a springtime rain shower/thunderstorm, I love this smell...
The smell of the earth on a sod farm on a warm Florida morning. I have literally stopped the car and just sniffed this gorgeous fragrance.....
Freshly fallen rain on concrete......
A greenhouse, with freshly watered geraniums. I smelled this every morning on my walk to school as a young child and it is my favorite memory, ever..........
Freshly line-dried, crisp bed sheets.....
The smell of a newborn babie's head/hair, or skin.....
The smell of burning leaves in the fall........
The smell of a campfire in a pine forest. Variation: add the smell of coffee made on that campfire and maybe bacon too....
The Atlantic ocean. Brine and seaweed and fish and moist, fresh air....
The melange of scents wafting from a hippie head shop, patchouli, etc........
Smell from childhood of the inside of a purse: mint gum, lipstick, perfume.
The smell of fresh orange blossoms from an orange grove...
Freshly mown grass in the early morning....
The smell of night blooming jasmine in the early evening...
The smell of a brand new leather jacket, or a leather store that sells leather....
The smell of creosote. When no one is looking, I sniff telephone poles.....
Canvas in the sun..
Beeswax
A kerosene lamp
Popcorn-infused smell of an air-conditioned movie theatre....
A certain mechanical/grease smell of train wheels.....
Lit charcoal or a freshly lit cigarette....
A rarity now.....burning cigars and a lit Meershaum pipe....
The smell of a pine-needle path through the woods, especially on a crisp, cool morning....
Chapstick and Pacquin's hand creme....
Hot parafin...
Cat's tummy fur and salty paws...
Hot tar when a stree is being paved.
Earth covered roots of plants just pulled out of the earth...
Woodsmoke, peat smoke and coal smoke.....
What I like to call "the breath of the earth" My term for the living scent of moist earth, blackberry vines, green leaves, moss and humus that emanates from ground with mature trees and lots of undergrowth. This is truly the most beautiful fragrance ever.......... The earth is breathing free here, no concrete foundation or driveway or controlled landscaping to mute it's exhalations.
The combination of the beach in summer, straw hat and coconut oil and the drying sea water on summer skin....
The inside of old suitcases, rarely opened...
Clothes being ironed..........
The distinct smell of winter......a walk through the forest sniffing the crisp air, the pine fragrance, the fragrance of the earth and the cold.....
The smell of gasoline...
The gorgeous fragrance of old book or antique stores, fruit cellars, old basements.......
These are just a few of olfactory scents that most people take for granted, but not us with 'scents and sensibilities'.......

Friday, January 11, 2008

*2008* Old Age Is A Gift.....Retire Charlotte, Retire!


I officially retired at the end of 2007 and I can't begin to tell you what a difficult decision that was for me. Oh yes, I did retire back in 2003, but I kept on working as a nurse on a contingent basis. But now, in 2007 it was time to call it quits entirely. My children had been begging me to do so and I don't know why the decision was so difficult to make. Was it a loss of identity? Was being a nurse my only identity as I had done it so long? I sat and figured out income, outgo, the whole nine yards, and yes, I could retire. I would not be able to blow money as I had in the past year or so, but I could conceivably do it. Was it losing my identity as a nurse, or was it a fear of admitting old age to myself and to others? Then I thought, well what is wrong with ageing? Is it because senior citizens are thought to be no longer productive? Was it because I felt that if I wasn't working I would have no life? What was it? I had books by the dozens that I wanted to read; I had DVD's by the dozens that I wanted to watch; I wanted to scrapbook and be with my grandkids anytime I wanted..........yes, I decided, I would retire and that old age is a gift.................
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. No, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the sagging butt. And often, I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't apologize over those things for very long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray/white hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've learned to be more kind to myself, less critical of myself. I've learned that I can be alone and I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, for deciding to sit and enjoy a book all day, getting up only to eat or use the bathroom. I am so entitled to a treat, to be messy, or to be lazy and spend te day reading.
I have seen too many dear friends, even children, leave this world too soon; before they knew or understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read, or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will continue to dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 70's, 80's and 90's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love................I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the prying glances from the young and thin.
They, too, will get old someday.
I realize that I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken, and maybe I broke a few as well. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when someone's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But..........broken hearts are what teaches us compassion and understanding, and give us strength. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and loved as I have, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
Old age has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste my time worrying about what could have been, or even worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day if I feel like it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

* THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR AT CHRISTMAS*


Caller ID because telemarketers can't take the holidays off.
**
I'm thankful for toast - how something so simple makes your kitchen smell so good, and with the right preserves tastes so good!
**
November 4, 2007: One more hour of much needed sleep at the end of daylight savings time.
**
Lower priced GPS units, for finding your way to grandma's house.
**
Gas station attendants who give accurate directions at no charge.
**
Beautiful fragrance, such as Dior's Diorissimo pure parfum and Serge Luten's Un Lys (breath of an angel)
**.
The sublime combination of grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup.
**
Winter citrus (Oh, my darling Clementine oranges!)
**
Irish coffee spiked with Bailey's Irish Creme Liquer!
**
Thanksgiving dinner leftovers: featuring turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie.
**
I'm thankful for home-cooked meals made by someone else.
**
Family members who feel like friends.
**
Friends who feel like family.
**
Family members with four legs and fur, who meow or bark.
**
Unexpected, handwritten notes and letters.
**
Smart TV on DVD to get you through the holiday reruns (Little Britain and Weeds)
**
Clever YouTube's finest programming!
**
The new and improved lower priced Tivo, HD, which can beam TV shows and movies from the internet straight to your TV (TIVO.com $299)
**
Clinique's "Black Honey" and "Black Raisin" almost lipstick.
**
Old-fashioned bubble lights - instant holiday spirit.
**
Board games such as Monopoly with my grandsons!
**
The most over-the-top houselighting displays near you (tackylighttour.com)
**
The ultimate what not-to-do primer in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
**
Claxton, Georgia, the fruitcake capitol of the world, I love it.
**
The beautiful music played and produced by one of my favorite artists, Yanni. It is so beautiful it makes one weep and takes you out of the bluest funk!
**
The unconditional love and warmth of my fur babies! I have never doubted their love nor their loyalty. It is wonderful to wake up late one night or early in the morning and find them, each in their own spot, purring and snuggling next to Momma..
**
The love and trust of my grandchildren, and especially my great-grandchild Alyssa Nicole. Her innocence has not yet been tainted by life and I so enjoy spending time with her!

Monday, November 19, 2007

*IS IT BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE?*

























If you think it is better to receive than to give, do the following:

One out of 5 American children live in poverty, lacking adequate clothing, give 2 cents for each pair of socks, tights or pantyhose each child has.

Are you thankful for the blessing of electricity? Give 2 cents for each light bulb in your house.

Most of the world's population lives beyond the reach of medical care. Give 10 cents for each box of bandaids in your house. Add another dime if they're not skin colored.

Are you thankful that you have a roof and doors to keep out the wind and the rain? Give a dime for every exterior door that you house has.

Are you thankful for your clothes? Give a nickel for every closet in your house.

Are you glad that you have indoor plumbing? Give a nickel for each roll of toilet paper in your house, counting all stored away rolls.

To people in refugee camps, even a sliver of soap is precious. Give a nickel for each bar of soap in your house. Give a dime for each container of pump soap.

Think of something nice you can do for a poor family in your community and do it today. Make them some homemade bread. If you can't put a dollar aside and be exceedingly grateful for all of your blessings.

Do you walk to your town to get a bucket of water for washing, drinking, bathing and cooking? Or, are you blessed with faucets that bring precious water to you? Give a dime for each faucet.

How did you get clean today? Give a dime if you took a bath and another if you took a shower.

Most of the world is starving while American's biggest concern is being overweight. Put in a penny for each pound you think that you are overweight.

What a blessing it is to be able to see and have eye doctors. Give a nickel for each pair of glasses your family members wear and don't forget sunglasses.

Many people in the world are blind and do not have eye doctors. Give a nickel for each person in your house that wears contact lenses.

Jesus loved the little children. Give thanks and a dime for every child in your family that is healthy, well fed and loved.

How would you like to live on the streets? Give thanks for your home and a nickel for every pillow in your house, even the decorative ones.

The comfort of a clean bed is an undreamed of luxury for millions of the world's poor people. Give a nickel for each clean bed in your home.

Did a cozy blanket cover you last night? Give a penny for each blanket in your home.

Aren't you glad you have people that love and think about you? Think of all the people that are buying you gifts this Christmas and for each one under the tree give a dime.

In this country, we are truly blessed!



* IT IS THANKSGIVING, AND I AM THANKFUL FOR *


For my grandkids who are not doing dishes, but are watching TV,
Because that means that they are at home and not on the streets.
For the ridiculous taxes that I have to pay,
Because it means I am employed and able to work.
For the mess to clean after a holiday party,
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends and family.
For the clothes that no longer fit or are a little too snug,
Because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work,
Because it means I am out in the sunshine!
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and things that need fixing,
Because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining that I have about the government,
Because it means that I have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot that I find at the far end of the parking lot,
Because it means that I am capable of walking and that I am blessed to have transportation.
For my large heating bill in the winter months,
Because it means that I have heat.
For the pile of laundry and ironing,
For it means that I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day,
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours,
Because it means that I am alive and have a reason to get up,
and finally,
Far too much e-mail,
Because it means I have friends and family who are thinking of me!
I am so truly blessed and I am thankful to God!
Happy Thanksgiving to my faithful bloggers!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

*I AM THE CHILD*


I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of. I see that as well. I am aware of much...whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or inpatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.
You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards.. great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable...I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine, the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities, the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go to your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.
I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependent on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.
I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.
*The last paragraph says it all.....this is what my adolescent patients have taught me and I am so thankful that I was a willing learner.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

*TOWARD A NEW FORGIVENESS ATTITUDE*


I once read that forgiveness could be taught, and that one of the biggest steps in the process meant becoming resistant to taking offense. I also read that this step was the most difficult part of becoming a forgiving person, but that it was possibly the most powerful. Easier said than done, I told myself. Then I thought about it recently and thought about ways one could think about not being offended, and decided I would try it. These are the steps I am going to follow to achieve that end:

*Since I am not perfect, how can I expect anyone else to be, and do I?

*Life is short and I want to waste as little of my life as possible in the discomfort caused by anger or hurt. I want to react well when things don't go the way I want. This decision allows me to forgive myself, forgive others, and even forgive life itself when necessary.

*Life comes with both positive and unpleasant experiences. Can I reasonably expect to have only good experiences come my way? I hope for the good and know I can forgive the bad.

*Dealing with life is a challenge. I want to be a survivor and not a victim. Each hurtful situation challenges my determination to live as fully and lovingly as possible. I accept the challenge that it sends my way.

*I know it hurts when people do not forgive me. I don't want to hurt others in this way, so I will perceive the problem in a way that I can either deal with successfully, or let it go.

*Life is filled with beauty and incredible marvels. I am missing these experiences if I am stuck in the remembrance of old hurts or wounds. I forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

*People do the best they can. When they err, the best way to help them is by offering some understanding. The first step in this process is to forgive whatever constituted the specific offense.

*I understand that everyone, including me, operates primarily out of self-interest. I respect that sometimes I, in my self-interest, will be hurt by someone elses' expression of their self-interest. When I begin to understand that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? When I grasp that self-interest is my guiding priniciple, how can I not offer the forgiveness to everyone, including myself, for behaving that way?

This is my mantra and I hope it works, the hardest person to forgive has always been myself

Friday, May 25, 2007

*Please Hear What I'm Not Saying*.........


Frequent readers of my blog know that sometimes I like to come home from work and post my thoughts with regard to my patients. It is therapeutic for me, it makes me feel that I am on the right path as a nurse; it makes me realize that what I receive from my adolescent patients is more than a paycheck could ever give me. It gives me hope that this world may change and that this child may succeed in the world and that makes it all worthwhile.
Tonight, a patient by the name of Rachel, who had a very troublesome upbringing, who lived with foster parents from the time she was born until she turned 14 was told that she would be discharged to placement the following morning. Her foster parents (who were somewhat older) decided that she was going into puberty and that they did not want to bear her behavior changes, her challenges trying to enter adulthhod, everything involved with becoming a teenager. Their two 'natural' children were grown and they did not want to go through the adolescent years with Rachel.
Anyway, Rachel knew that she would be leaving in the morning and that we most likely would not see each other again. She wrote me a note telling me how much she appreciated the care given by the staff where I work. She began to cry and handed me a piece of paper with a poem that she had written:
"Please Hear What I'm Not Saying"
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure and that all is sunny and
Unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name
And Coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please...........
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically try to create a mask to hide behind, a
Nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretent, to shield me
From the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation and it's the only
thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the
Barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself,
That I am really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I'm afraid that your glance
Will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will
Laugh and wound me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm not much and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my pretending game, with a facade of assurance throughout,
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
What I'd like to be able to say, but cannot.
Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, for I am every man
You meet and every woman you meet.
**I love you Rachel and I will deeply miss you. I will never forget your sweet face. I hope that life finally gives you all that you should have, for you truly deserve it.

Friday, April 06, 2007

*IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR*


The moon in the bureau mirror looks out a million miles
(and perhaps with pride, at herself, but she never, never smiles)
far and away beyond sleep, or perhaps she's a daytime sleeper.
By the Universe deserted, she'd tell it to go to hell,
And she'd find a body of water, or a mirror on which to dwell.
So wrap up care in a cobweb and drop it down the well.
Into that world inverted where left is always right,
Where shadows are really the body,
Where we stay awake all night,
Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is now deep, and you love me....

* WHAT A FRIEND IS *


Each of us has a hidden place
Somewhere deep within ourselves;
A place where we go to get away,
To think things through,
To be alone, to be ourselves.
This unique place, where we confront our deepest feelings,
Becomes a storehouse of all our hopes,
All of our needs, all of our dreams,
And even our unspoken fears.
It encompasses the essence of who we are
And what we want to be.
But now and then, whether by chance or by design,
Someone discovers a way into that place we thought was ours alone
And we allow that person to see, to feel and to share
All the reason, all of the uncertainty
And all of the emotion we've stored up there.
That person adds new perspective to our hidden realm,
Then quitly settles down in their own corner of our special place,
Where a bit of themselves will stay forever,
And we call that person a friend................

*COMES THE DAWN*


After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and eyes opened,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong, and you really do have worth
And you learn and learn.........
With every goodbye comes the dawn.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LESLIE SUSAN*


In just a few days, it will be the birthday of my first child, Leslie Susan, who would be 44 years old on March 21st, had she lived. She left this Earth on July 5, 2002 much too soon for the ones who she left behind. She was a sweet, beautiful girl and I will never stop loving and missing her. As I do always, I will release balloons to the sky from her brother, sister and myself to let her know that she will never be forgotten. I would also like to post this poem:


The Cord We are connected
My child and I,
by An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye
It’s not like the cord
That connects us “till Birth”
This cord can’t be seen
By any on Earth
This cord does its’ work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to my heart
I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied
It’s stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight
And though you are gone
Though you’re not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised… I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before
I am thankful that
God Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away!


I will always love you sweet baby girl, but I know that you are safe in the hands of the Lord. We will be together in Heaven forever and I will again hold you in my arms. You are missed, sweet baby girl.....................

Your Mother

Monday, March 05, 2007

*The Shortest Fairy Tale Ever Told*


Once upon a time a girl asked a guy, "will you marry me?"
The guy said "no" and the girl lived happily ever after. She went shopping every day, drank martinis at sunset, she always had a clean house, she never had to cook unless she wanted to, she stayed skinny and she was never farted on.
The End.......

Saturday, January 20, 2007

*Our Forms of Communication*






One reaction to the growing presence of cyberspace is to see it as a threat to the traditional human value of social, face to face exchange. Yet, this is... nothing to be alarmed about, for it is the eagerness to communicate and the desire to be heard by another that activate those fingers. The fact is that when we use computers we are having an exchange with other humans, through the machine, not 'with the machine'.

Sometimes I think that the telephone call is as earthbound as daily dialogue, while a letter is an exchange of gifts. On the telephone, you talk; in a letter you tell. There is a pace to letter writing and reading that doesn't come from the telephone company but from your own rhythm.

We live mostly in a hi-tech, reach-out-and-touch-someone modern world. Communication is an industry. It makes demands of us. We are expected to respond as quickly as computers. A voice asks a question across the ocean and we are supposed to formulate an answer to this high-speed rate of exchange.

But we can not, blessedly, 'interface' by mail. There is a leasure and emotional luxury in letter writing. There are no obvious silences to anxiously fill. There are no interruptions to brook. There are no nuances and tones of voice to distract.

Today, we are supposed to travel light, to live in the moment. The past is, we are told, excess baggage. There is no question that the phone is the tool of these times. As fine and as epheremal as a good meal.

But you cannot hold a call in your hands. You cannot put it in a bundle. You cannot show it to your family. Indeed, there is nothing to show for it. It doesn't leave a trace. Tell me how you can wrap a lifetime of phone calls in a rubber band for a summer's night when you want to remember?


*I Was.......................


I was born to catch dragons in their dens,
and to pick flowers...

And to tell tales and laugh away the morning
to drift and dream like a lazy stream

And to walk barefoot across sunshine days and beautiful sand beaches..........

*The Lighthouse Keeper*



All of my life, I have been attracted to and loved lighthouses. In my greatest fantasy, I would visit all of the lighthouses in the USA just to see them. I can't explain my fascination with them, only that I love them and they make me feel secure and safe.

What makes someone sacrifice to keep ships safe from rocks and ice to warn of dangers in the night.
What makes a Keeper of the Light?

What causes one to spend his life patrolling waters that are rife with perils to which we are blind.
What creates a man of this kind?

While I sleep safely in my bed, what drives him to keep watch instead guarding all - both rich and poor from hazards near the darkened shore?

Is he fearless, it would seem, facing facts while we all dream? And, is he ever feels a doubt. his courage casts the shadows out.

With no regard to his well-being, his light shines, enables seeing and ensuring safety from hidden fears with unflagging strength through the years.

What makes him do the unselfish deeds? What keeps him strong, what are his needs to always do what is right?
What makes a Keeper of the Light?
He shines the beacons through the dark, in solitude proclaims, "take warning" for beneath these seas danger still remains.

He guides the vessels past shifting shoals, by shallow jagged reefs with quenchless flame throughout the night to a harbor snug and deep.
He rings the bell, sounds the horn, keeps vigil through the night.
Who is the humble seasoned salt?
The Keeper of the Light?


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

*Goals, Not Resolutions For 2007*


I have never been one to make resolutions, lose weight, quit bad habits, etc; all those things that are so easily demolished before January is even over. I do, however, make goals after my in-depth life review and soul search.

I wish I could say that I will join a gym, exercise faithfully, but I am not going to. I will be more aware of health issues and work on those. I am going to my doctor's visits more often and taking my medication and following their advice. I worked for years and years with my goal of someday becoming a full-fledged 'couch potato' and I am finally there. I do have a flight of stairs to my condo that are climbed daily and I also consider the use of the remote control as a form of exercise. I don't follow any specific diet and cave on certain things I consider 'comfort foods' but I am not yet morbidly obese, so that's a plus.

I am now working with the adolescents at least 3 nights per week because I want to, because they give me love, they give me pleasure and I love what I do. I like to think that this is why I became a nurse and my job is rewarding and fulfilling, like no other area of nursing has been. It's nice to work at something you love because you want to, not because you have to.

I am still greatly attuned with my country and the political world. I am anxious for the next election in 2008 and will campaign religiously and passionately. It is so important, especially with the state of world events we are currently in, to elect the right people. People that will take accountability for their actions, their decisions and turn this country around. Our freedom as a country is in great jeopardy and we are losing what it took many lives to attain. People are afraid to express opinions, to dissent, fearing they will be called unpatriotic. They are afraid to question, fearing retribution and this has to stop. It is urgent because my grandchildren will inherit the decisions that this country is making now.

My inability to be a patient person, that I was going to work on at the beginning of 2006, has went by the wayside, but I will try again this year. Sometimes, I justify impatience as a good thing because impatient people get things done. But recently, my impatience has caused internal anger issues and that has to stop, it's not good for your heart really. I hope to, at least, be more tolerant of idiots this year and to recite in my head "forgive them, they know not what they do" and let it go. Kind of like a mantra, if you will.

I will continue to look at my behavior as I have always been one who wears her heart on her sleeve. I will try to appear calm, cool and collected, even when I'm not. I will take stock of what needs to be done or undone. To me, this type of inventory taking is a daily process, wherein I look at myself, and try to make changes in my behavior rather than in the other persons. Ultimately, I have the choice of whether to have a good day or a bad one, the decision is mine.

I will work on thinking before I speak, because sometime's the 'mind filter' doesn't work and things are said before thought out. I will try to express myself wisely, being motivated by a kind heart and genuine offer to be good to others. I am this way, really, I just don't think before I speak, but I mean no harm.

I will take time to think before writing words, acknowledging the power of words, and using them wisely, with integrity. Words can hurt, they can become rocks and arrows if you let them.

I will remember the commandment to 'love thy neighbor as thyself', trying not to feel superior to others, to know the meaning of humility and what it means to show kindness and compassion.

To remind myself daily how blessed I truly am, because I am.

*The Year 2006 In Review*


Due to my work, I was unable to post on my blog my feelings about the year of 2006, but, better late than never.

I have mixed emotions about 2006, and in general, think that I do better in odd-numbered years when I evaluate unhappiness and loss. My relationship with David ended, and I am a much better person for it, but I hate being deceived. Why is honesty and integrity so hard for some people? But, I am older and wiser now and find being alone is what I really am happy with. I am content, able to fill my time with hobbies, work, family and have no spare time, really. I am disappointed with friendship overall, but I have decided that I am a better friend than my friends are to me, that's just the way it is.

Thank heavens there were not more of the natural disasters that occurred in 2005. The hurricane season this year was essentially mild and with minimal damage. The sad thing is that the area affected by Katrina is still almost as bad as it was after the hurricane. Billions of dollars have been misappropriated or unaccounted for. Thousands of people were uninsured and are now homeless and jobless. It was interesting to me that recently millions of dollars was spent on the recovery of 4 climbers who attempted to climb Mt. Hood in inclimate weather knowing the risks involved. Misplaced priorities, if you ask me.

The Iraq death toll is now over 3000, this makes my heart weep. Our president has been told by the Iraq Study Group that this war is not worth the cost in lives and dollars. He responds with 'troop increases' and 'sacrifice' and has delayed, dawdled and deferred for over a month since the release of this report. Personally, I feel that Iraq will make Vietnam look like a walk in the park when all is said and done. Billions of dollars more are now needed for his 'surge and accelerate' campaign with 20,000 more troops needed
as a 'short-term measure'. This addition will just be more target practice for the insurgents, in my opinion. Mr. Bush, your judgment about Iraq - and now about 'sacrifice' is at variance with your citizen's, to the point of delusion.

I was happy that Donald Rumsfelt was finally asked to resign but then honored by the Bush Administration for his dedication to his country. There is still no decision on the CIA leak and no one brought to justice over that incident, although Scooter Libby has been endicted.

Several passings in 2006 were noted. The Godfather of soul, James Brown, died on Christmas Day and he will be missed. One of a kind. I loved his funeral though; it was a celebration with all of his friends and family singing, dancing, eulogizing, he would have loved it and it was so fitting. My friends who know that I am a diehard Democrat will be surprised when I say I was so sad at the passing of Gerald R. Ford. Gerald Ford was a politician like no other. His greatest aspiration was to be Speaker of the House, and he wound up President. He came into office with a plateful of problems and a wounded nation due to Vietnam and Watergate, but he turned this around with integrity and honesty. He made the White House a place where secrets didn't live as they had in the Nixon administration and today in the Bush administration. He pardoned Richard Nixon even though it was unpopular and destroyed any chance at re-election so that this country could heal. Only now are people realizing what a well-thought decision that was. He was a man of great vision and fairness. He once said that he was a Ford, not a Lincoln. Mr. President, you sell yourself short because you were better than a Lincoln, you were a Lexus and history will be kind to you.

OJ Simpson tried to publish a book this year titled "If I Did It" but due to bad press and outrage by the public, it was canceled. I cannot believe this man, but he is so self-absorbed and narcissistic that he can't go without public adoration for any length of time, and he has. I feel deeply sorry for his children, what they must have to live with. I grieve for the parents of both Nicole and Ron and what this has done by reopening old wounds. Mr. Simpson will answer for his crimes, just not in this life.

Saddam Hussein was executed shortly after he was proven guilty by his own people. Some people danced in the streets and celebrated. Saddam is only the tip of the iceberg and was an old man with dementia. Yes, he was evil, but there are many who will follow. Is our country safer now? There are already protests about how his death was handled. Somehow, Osama Bin Laden hasn't been mentioned for quite some time. Are we still looking for him, or has our 'mission' been 'accomplished' as our president would say. The Middle East has become a much more dangerous area than anyone ever thought it would be. I am very fearful of my children's and grandchildren's future with regard to the Middle East.

I am still working on 'staying in the moment' being able to relish, cherish and live each day as it comes in the best way possible. I am to soon become a great-grandmother and I am so looking forward to that. I will look back on 2006 as a bittersweet year, but one of redemption and freedom, a realization of what my priorities are and what makes me a better person, again without regret, say goodbye and let it go.

I am confident that it is God's will that 2007 will bring about union rather than division in this country, and hopefully peace in other parts of the world.

Friday, December 22, 2006

*Quilt Of Holes*


As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of wordly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles."

Each point of life in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!


*Anonymously written but sent to me so that I could share this with someone I love, care about or even someone who needs Jesus in their heart. I would like to remember Jesus is the reason for the season - Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.